AN accidentally intercepted telephone conversation:
NASAL VOICE: Hello, little boy. How are you holding up in Bali?
TEEN VOICE: The pigs have me locked up for nothing! A little dope, that’s all. And it wasn’t my fault… (shouting) Mum and Dad forced to come to this crap hole because they said I was too young to stay home alone. It’s their fault! It’s their fault!
NASAL: I know, I know… but you shouldn’t call them pigs because it is culturally insensitive. In a Muslim country pigs are not very popular, and you don’t want me to send Judge Bromberg up to make you change your tone, do you?
TEEN: So, like, this guy forced me to buy the weed. Forced me!
NASAL: I know what it’s like, young man. A bad man once forced me to buy $17,000 worth of frocks with stolen money, but like you I was young and naïve.
At this point the conversation was swallowed by static, but clarity soon returned.
NASAL: So, little boy, have you had any visitors?
TEEN: Just Dad, what a loser!
NASAL: And your Mummy?
TEEN: She’s too scared ’cause she knows it’s her fault for making me come here. I am so much not down with that bitch.
NASAL: I meant official visitors, like Mr Rudd. He’s probably flying to Bali right this minute, but you shouldn’t talk to him, and never, ever pose for pictures with him, OK?
TEEN: Who’s he?
NASAL: A very nasty man who will not go away. He’ll promise to get you released, but don’t listen to a word he says.
TEEN: OK
NASAL: Leave it to me, little boy. I’m working on a regional solution and will have something worked out with Indonesia, Malaysia, East Timor and maybe New Guinea before anyone has a chance to molest you, seriously molest you
TEEN: You mean like that Mr Rudd?
NASAL: No…well, he might, you never know what he might get up to.
TEEN: OK
NASAL: And when I get you out we’ll all go to the Lodge to have our pictures taken. Won’t that be lovely!
TEEN: Will there be sniffer dogs there?
NASAL: Not for you, little boy, not for you … and if that nasty Mr Rudd does turn up, I want you to give him the name and phone number of the massage girl you were with when they arrested you.
TEEN: OK
NASAL: We missed getting any pictures of him at a place called Scores in New York, so this time I could get a nice little snap for my dossier, er, album...
And then the line went dead.
The hawk from Iopwa would be proud!
ReplyDeleteA classic Professorial transcript.
The Balinese aren't too worried by pigs, being Hindu. Last time I was there, we got a local bloke to drive us around. He was all for tying terrorists into a pig crate and then dropping them off the side of a boat about a mile out to sea.
ReplyDeleteHe wasn't terribly clear on whether a pig would be left in the crate or not.
Beware, Bunyips's practising 'scrip' righting for Aunties new 'serious' Due Ly Yahoo shew.
ReplyDeleteBunyip - it made me laugh all right. And you didn't miss the "massage" either. A classic.
ReplyDeleteRe Boy on a bike, one would not expect our PM to know such a detail that 95% of the population knows.
ReplyDeleteSeriously though, the Indonesians will drag this out to get the maxium possible advantage.
Loved it, sent the link to my friends . . . captures EVERYTHING !
ReplyDelete