Saint Spanky

TO: Julia, Wayne, et al

FROM: Bruce Hawker

SUBJECT: Hit ’em for six!

Comrades,

As you know, the latest polls show our evolving strategy  is bearing fruit. We are now just 10 points behind Abbott’s mob, which is giving our people something to work with at last. Michelle Grattan, Michael Gordon, Peter Hartcher have the talking points and are banging the drum about the growing pressure on Abbott and how his own backbenchers vomit spontaneously at the mere mention of his name. Malcolm Turnbull, the guy we can beat, is onboard to resume Opposition leadership so long as Goldman Sachs gets to trade carbon permits, which won’t be a problem if Bob B. can make Rhiannon shut her yap about Jews running the world.

Pretty soon we’ll switch our media assets to Abbott’s woman problem (again) and we’re also bringing out the big guns. Anne Summers is working on a fresh Monthly investigation of Abbott’s background which will reveal (a) that he is still a Catholic and (b) a real scoop, his lifelong links to fascism.

Turns out Abbott was born in London just two miles from the former home of Oswald Moseley. Anne is just wonderful! She pioneered this line in her attack on Andrew Bolt, which noted his mum lived as a child in a Dutch town with a Nazi mayor during WWII, and nobody raised an eyebrow. Thank God for modern journalism trainers like Matthew Ricketson, who urged people to buy Quarterly Essay and read Little Bob's investigation of News Ltd. We have put Ricketson on the press inquiry (he’s very grateful), so we should now consider appointing him and Summers to whatever regulatory body we institute when the final report comes in, as requested, with a finding that News Ltd is a threat to democracy and Rupert personally abducted the Beaumont children. (Summers working on this too; seems Rupert has historic ties to Adelaide and once owned a Valiant with a very big boot. Love that gal!)

So things are looking good – and about to look a whole lot better, thanks to Peter Roebuck. Hold on to your hats because this is dynamite stuff: Abbott killed Australia’s leading cricket writer. Don’t you just love it!

Our people will push the line that Abbott hates alternate sexualities and drove Spanky over the balcony with his intolerance. ABC already understands this, and no problem selling the line to Fairfax, which will be bronzing the cricket writer’s ping pong bat and awarding it every year to the most promising young sports reporter who manages to conflate cricket with right-wing intolerance.

Summers working a related angle too – penchant for budgie smugglers apparently an indication of Abbott's suppressed homosexuality, plus the statistical likelihood he was buggared by Jesuits as a schoolboy. Posse of climate scientists standing ready to assert their computer modeling proves Abbott was penetrated on precisely 14.3 occasions; they reckon they can prove he enjoyed it too, but that would mean slipping them another $10 million in research grants. Cheaper alternative: Get Flannery to say Abbott owns a Panasonic vibrator and is very happy with it. Wink. Wink.)

To recap: Things looking good for us at last. We have always had the media, now we have the martyr and the message.

Onward and upward,

Bruce