What would Jack Dyer say!

ALONG with the Pink Round, the Black Round and the Green Round (when football is played under lights and barrackers are expected to feel guilty about it), it can only be a matter of time before the AFL's Andrew Demetriou launches the Lavender Round, perhaps kicked off by a pair of umpires plighting their troth at the centre circle before flinging to the crowd an origami'd bouquet made from the rule book, which umpires no longer read nor understand in any case. As everyone loves a wedding, this should go down quite well in the grandstand, where spectators will consider themselves let off easy for not having had to endure 20 minutes of possum-skinned palaver from a professional Welcomer to Country.

In any case, once the AFL has found a suitable poster boy for playing the man and the Fairfax press has gushed itself dry with editorials about how wonderful it is that sodomy and Sherrins have been publicly united, the question of more appropriate uniforms will soon arise.

For some time now, players have been wearing elasticised garments beneath their shorts, their peeping lower edges strongly suggesting a shared fetish for panty girdles. Quite obviously, as this will no longer suffice, a stronger statement of sexual preference will be needed, because what would modern footy be if the simple of business of kicking goals came to be regarded as more important than Demetriou's mission to make the game a vehicle for redressing societal ills and historic injustice?

Fortunately there is an Australian company ready to meet the challenge.

 The only matter to be resolved will be if that fetching outfit (above) can be produced in the red, white and black of St Kilda, a team whose well-known interest in waxing and depilation suggests a perfect fit