All You Can See Are the Raoul Mertons

IT SHOULD BE obvious to anyone whose vision has not been occluded but the eager act of placing one's head up our PM's alimentary canal that the grotesqueries Canberra has witnessed since the 2010 election have done no good, least of all for the country. Policy shaped and held captive by the Greens, the self-righteous droning of that long, thin streak of thick from Port Macquarie, the obligation for decent Labor MPs (there must be one or two) to defend Tommo the Tumescent from the treacherous high ground of the Member for Dobell's used and mounded condoms -- all those and many more bizarre goings-on inside and beyond our national Parliament are the direct consequences of Julia Homewrecker's knife-edge margin.

A bit of stability would have been in the nation's best interests, an honest and reasonable person might think, which is why Phillip Coorey is a quality journalist and you are not. In the Silly today, the man who wears KY Jelly like a crown breathlessly reports Bronwyn Bishop's "revelation" that Tony Abbott would have called another election if Oakeshott had the wits, and Windsor the decency, to side with the Coalition.

Oxygen deprivation can lead to giddiness, as is well known, and with Coorey's mouth and nose now somewhere to the north of Gillard's lower intestine we can safely assume he is struggling for breath. The methane rising from those missing S&G files, which the Lodge Lady must surely have eaten, cannot be aiding clarity either.  "Bishop's revelation exposes Abbott's intention to call election"is the headline, and that is proof positive the Silly's quality journalists and its piecework subeditors in Bangalore do not read anything but McStomachTernan's talking points, not even what they publish on their employer's precious newsprint, now worth better than six times as much per Saturday edition than an FXJ share.

If all those who no longer read Fairfax newspapers were to shout long and loudly a line from the Pile Inspector's own text there is a possibility he might hear the clamour through those clammy pink earmuffs and be set straight.

For what it's worth, here is the line that needs to be shouted up at its author. A gentle tap on the soles of Coorey's shoes might help to get his attention before we all begin:

Ms Bishop added that Mr Abbott would not have gone ''straightaway''.

Yes, it is possible Coorey could hear that message, but unlikely. There is a lot of rustling and noisy shoving going on as Michael Gordon and Lenore Taylor jostle like Italians at a taxi rank for the right to be next through the sphincter.