She's earned her crust

Attention, schoolchildren! Here is your guide to throwing sandwiches at our Prime Minister:

Not a pork german sandwich because she might take it as a command to have an affair with the Deutsch ambassador, who is probably a married man and therefore fair game.

Same with jerk pork, as the PM has enough recent follies on her mind without needing to be reminded of that home-wrecking fling with Craig Emerson.

Never a hundreds and thousands sandwich, because that would prompt unpleasant memories of the buttery words that accompanied so much waste for so little value. Also, it would bring to mind the sale price of a certain property in Kerr Street and the open questions concerning power-of-attorney forms, not to mention where all that stolen money came from.

Nothing on a baguette either, because the “ette” suffix is a sexist differentiation and might inspire the national embarrassment of another prime ministerial diatribe, this time devoted to the alleged misogyny of bakers.

Chicken? Nah… a reminder of that wonderful new ad.

Fish? Well flounder would certainly be appropriate, but not salmon, which develop very big noses, reveal themselves to be thoroughly red (with a bit of green about the gills) and die very soon thereafter, flapping impotently all the while. Also, salmon breed.

Doesn’t leave much, does it, except for a big, unfilled loaf? At least that will inspire happy thoughts of what Tim has not been up to over recent years