Family Values

WHEN Christmas comes around one naturally thinks of families, more particularly what to buy them and how to put up with them. It’s a mug’s game, as every ounce of inspiration put toward the perfect gift will sure as eggs be answered with a present you did not want but over which you will feel obliged to emit squeals of delight. Socks and underpants are at least useful on formal occasions; the Collected Works of Noam Chomsky never. But one must smile all the same, because this is Christmas, hand over the keys to the cellar and feign delight as people who cannot tell if a vintage has turned to vinegar chuck down the good stuff and eat you out of house and home.

Ah, how sad it is! If only the Professor was a good leftist – like The Global Mail’s millionaire supremo Graeme Wood, for example – things would be so much more simple.

When the festive season began, the Wotif entrepreneur solved all his Yule dilemmas and Christmas catering quandaries by handing out lots and lots of discharge notices – think pink slips, not medical diagnoses -- to his staffers, those quality journalists who have made his site everything that it is and the $15 million in start-up cash so much smaller.

But family values were not forgotten. Amongst the few not pushed out the door was South American correspondent Nick Olle.

No doubt it is no more than a coincidence, but young Mr Olle is Graeme Wood’s stepson.

 

No doubt it is no more than a coincidence, but young Mr Olle is Graeme Wood’s stepson.

Global Mail Goes Down

THE Global Mail has stopped doing it sideways. Now you get all the conventional opinions -- yeah, hoorah. Tony Abbott is a sexist! ya boo sucks -- in the conventional way.

Sadly, the wisdom dispensed remains that of children.

Out of the Picture

THAT Graeme Wood, the Global Mail’s sugar daddy, has more money than sense should by now be obvious to all, even allowing for the $1.7 million he has poured into the Greens. Somewhere north of 10 per cent of Australians believe Old Mother Milne to be sane, so it cannot be said that his political enthusiasms represent one of the rarer forms of madness. As an aspiring media proprietor, however, well he’s out there on the far borders of derangement.

Everyone – no, make that the few – who have visited his vanity press will know that, unlike the printed page or your standard web site, the Global Mail’s display moves sideways and is very annoying to read. Take for an example the work of youngster Joel Tozer, who has extruded this log of words about a chubby matron in leather trousers who enjoys sex with young men and is keen to turn a dollar on open-source porn. Why she should invest entrepreneurial effort in such a project is a mystery, given that there are many and much easier ways to line the pocket -- like calling Mr Wood, praising mung beans and asking for a spare million-or-so. He gives it away quite freely, so why should a slutty sixtysomething be denied? And if the mung beans prove an insufficient inducement, a stated preference for doing it sideways would certainly produce a cheque in the first post.

But enough of Wood’s money, for it is Tozer who is the real object of wonder. On Saturday, the intrepid cub journeyed to Sydney’s Hyde Park, where many sons of the Prophet were a’bristle with more than their usual quota of inchoate resentments. Tozer pulled out his little camera and snapped some pictures, one of which is below. Yes, that’s the one, the happy family shot of that junior jihadi and his sibling being prepared for a life of good, old fashioned, multicultural intolerance.

What a scoop, you might think. How thrilled Tozer must have been as he dialled the Global Mail office and screamed, “Hold the sideways slide, sweetheart. Do I have a picture for you!”

Except he didn’t. Tozer published the picture on Twitter and has yet to write a single word on the site of what he witnessed. There’s one of your up-and-coming quality journalists for you! Meanwhile, Tozer’s picture has gone around the world and the poor boy has been reduced to asking that more competent media organisations seek his permission to reproduce it. One gathers few have bothered.

Any other media boss would have been miffed. That picture might have been syndicated, bringing in royalties and re-print fees and boosting the Global Mail’s profile with people other than Fairfax refugees who have heard that the proprietor is a soft touch and will hire pretty much anyone with a yen for hot Green action and Old Mother Milne.

The sexygenarian in the leather trousers should look into that scenario. Now that Wood has played about with the written word, a move into non-profit movie production is quite likely the next step. What a pity Sideways has already been released.

Wotif You Tried Another Outfit?

IT IS a matter of personal preference, but when the urge to go walkabout visits the Billabong, it is usually a tent and fishing rod which are slung into the back of the Bunyipmobile. Others enjoy the comforts of fine hotels, and in this age of luxury it is online accommodation services to which most turn. Hotels are listed and rated, bargains announced, and almost everyone, with the exception of old-fashioned travel agents, has had reason to rejoice. Travellers get nice deals and companies can make good money, which has certainly been the case with Wotif.com. Indeed, founder Graeme Wood has done so well he can afford to indulge with seven-figure sums his hobby of encouraging political ratbaggery and journalistic preening. Some tycoons buy yachts or the embrace of pneumatic young women. Mr Wood draws satisfaction from the affection of Bob Brown. To each his own.

Someone who is not at all satisfied is YouTube poster Archie Luxury, who has released this clip under the title “Greenmount Beach ResortCoolangatta – Wotif.com Horror Story”. The phranger on the balcony seems to have been the final straw.

With the Rufous Bird making noises about how nice it would be to go for a tramp through Italy, Wotif’s listings and bargains will probably be checked. Every business has its bad days and mistakes can happen. But when the time comes to make a decision, Archie Luxury’s comments about the difficulty of getting a response to his request for a refund will be borne in mind. So, too, what Mr Wood might do with his profit from the Professor’s possible booking.

Others might also ponder the contradiction of booking travel with a company owned by a man who supports a party that opposes travel, especially the frivolous sort, which is what the Rufous Bird has in mind. How can Mr Wood sleep at night when the purchase of a Botega Venetta handbag is one potential customer's prime reason for jetting halfway around the world to a country where the fishing is probably not much good and it will be difficult to watch the opening rounds of the AFL season?

It is all so confusing, Hotels.com will probably get the business.  Readers planning jaunts should make their own decisions, but these things are worth keeping in mind.

The Global Crab

THE Globular Mail isn't impressing the pros. No comments, no links to source material, and its crab-like sideways crawl is rated a huge annoyance. Here is one observation from the Technology Spectator's critique:

If Global Mail readers wish to provide feedback or comment or add to a story they must email the publisher. “Please note that while we appreciate all feedback, we do not guarantee all letters will appear on the website,” proclaims the site – as if it's readers had dipped nib into ink and crafted their comment on parchment. The Global Mail’s stated desire to step back from the “breathless 24/7 news cycle” is admirable and should help ensure a high standard of quality. But applying old media models that drive one-way conversation to a new media platform won’t help the Global Mail build a loyal following.

Also interesting is author Charis Palmer's news that patron Graeme Wood owns most of Hunted Media, the outfit responsible for the Global Mail's, er, innovative horizontal design. So, not only does Wood list the "impartial" Global Mail as his email address on forms declaring seven-figure donations to the Greens, he also is supporting the site out of one pocket and slipping the development cash into another.

If Gina Rinehart begins to make her presence felt at Fairfax, we can expect to hear lots of luvvie suggestions that the company be wrested from her control and run as an employee co-operative. Few luvvies have to balance books, pay taxes or meet a weekly payroll, but they always imagine their unique brand of competence would see things done better. This may be because luvvies enjoy nothing so much as a good meeting, but their compulsion to rabbit on in the company of the like-minded is a topic for another day.

They should keep an eye on the developing, gold-plated debacle that is the Global Crab and think again -- if they have ever thought before, that is.

Oh, and if you want a prediction, mark this one: Very soon we are going to see lots of sniping from other leftoids. Nothing gets a luvvie more angry than the thought of a fellow luvvie doing better, especially if money is involved. See, for example, Lavatory Pronto's Mark Bahnisch's gripe that the fix was in when Crikey's Jonathan Green assumed the post of The Drum's editor. Bahnisch also wanted the job, you see. Not even Margaret Simon's assurances that the selection was above aboard entirely calmed the Lavatorian's suspicions of being dudded.

WELL THAT DIDN'T TAKE LONG: As predicted, the first miffed luvvies are piling on.

The Wood On The Global Mail

THE BOYS and girls at GetUp are very upset about a video in which Viscount Monckton addresses a group of Australian mining execs. He tells them that if they want fair media coverage they will need to buy a media outlet. Now that Gina Rinehart has become the largest Fairfax shareholder, the video is Exhibit A in the activist group’s campaign to have its friends in Canberra make that nasty woman go away. If you have not seen it already, the clip is below.

Not much there, really, other than the evil GetUp purports to see, which in this case amounts to the appalling notion that free speech might be available to people other than pimply leftoid snots. Simply put, miners and climate sceptics should not be allowed to own media assets because they are, well, miners and climate sceptics. We’re all clear on that, right? Good, because now the logic gets a little twisted.

While the newspapers were full of Gina’s “raid” – and let us hope it is the start of a conquest, not a mere foray --  Monica Attard launched the Global Mail with $15 million supplied by internet entrepreneur Graeme Wood, who is by far and away the Greens’ largest and most enthusiastic donor.

So what’s the difference, you may wonder? Well, according to Attard, her benefactor is an altruist who cares only about quality journalism -- someone who would never, ever dream of leaning on the people he pays in order to advance the causes he supports. If you are one of those terminally cynical sorts, Attard has a ready answer. As she explained yesterday to the Australia’s media section, “Graeme is chairperson of The Global Mail board. He has no editorial input whatsoever.”

That is not what the Australian Election Commission might conclude, as it holds at least one document which makes Attard’s assertion appear rather hollow.

Filed on November 8, 2011, it lists Wood’s donations of $1,680,795 to the Greens from July to November 2010, when there was an election to be fought and a jolt of extra cash must have come in very handy. While such generosity is eye-popping, it is the email address Wood lists on the AEC form which is even more startling. It leaves no doubt the tycoon’s journalistic philanthropy and politics are one and the same:

In case your eyes are fading, the Greens’ mega-donor gives his contact email as graeme.wood@theglobalmail.org 

What was it Attard was saying about the boss having “no editorial input whatsoever”?  She might want to get a few of her investigative journalists to look into that.

A NOTE: There is no direct link to the document in the above post because it was a bugger to open and download. Those disinclined to take a Bunyip's word can drive themselves potty by tackling the following URLs.

http://periodicdisclosures.aec.gov.au/Donor.aspx?SubmissionID=48&ClientID=29173

http://periodicdisclosures.aec.gov.au/Returns/48/OSLR4.pdf

Wood's private number was blacked out at the Billabong.

We'll All Just Have To Wait

THE GLOBAL MAIL will just keeping better and better and better. Tomorrow's scoop:

Aubrey Belford reports on a surprise growth industry in Mongolia: shamans.

 The public has a right to know!

UPDATE: The prospect of a 7,000-word investigation of fetish-shaking in Ulan Bator is so exciting that only a therapeutic nine holes will calm such excitement. Back later.   

But Can It Run A Website?

IF Monica Attard gets a wriggle-on, she can add another quality recruit to Graeme Wood's payroll. A perfect fit for the Global Mail, one would think: Determined to make life difficult for motorists and cars, a vegetarian eager to swallow just about anything, and only a little bit stinky. The perfect hire. Should fit right in.

The Global Snail

THERE ARE moments in life, and this morning is one of them, when the Great Bunyip’s perverse sense of humour becomes infuriatingly apparent. Sixty-or-so years ago, He gifted the world with Monica Attard, who laboured in the cause of truth at the ABC until last year, when she encountered Graeme Wood at a dinner party. The internet entrepreneur and seven-figure Greens donor was so very glum about the state of Australian journalism not even the grown-locally organic endive ice cream with sustainable sweet-insect sauce could cheer him up. So they talked and found much in common. Both were dismayed by the ABC’s near-fascist jingoism, and Fairfax’s professed desire to turn a profit  confirmed it was rotten to the core, despite its writers’ daily attempts to foil those efforts. As for Rupert Murdoch, the mere mention of his name prompted such a fit of choking and gagging that a matched pair of Filipino houseboys dropped their ewers and subjected Wood to the Heimlich maneuvre. When their boss regained his breath a plan was hatched.

Wood had lots of money, Attard observed, while she had many, many friends in need of it. Why not give her as much as she needed to hire the lot of them? Then she could launch a new web site devoted to that quality journalism stuff.

All present agreed it was a grand idea, and as the evening’s guests ran the full gamut of  political opinion – from Occupy sympathisers at one extreme to sworn enemies of plastic shopping bags at the other – Wood was immediately persuaded by their instant enthusiasm. The site would be called the Global Mail, Attard would run it, and that was that -- as long as she agreed never to publish a word about online travel agents’ profit-inspired campaigns to get more people into carbon-spewing jetliners. Tapping the wisdom of her years at Media Watch, Attard assured him she knew precisely where not to go.

Ever since that night, excitement at the Billabong has been quite intense. Finally, the left was about to gain a voice.  What broad vistas of honesty and integrity would be opened by The Global Mail’s passion for speaking truth to power? As today’s launch date drew close, the Professor bubbled like a hot tub with anticipation.

And what has happened?

Nothing. The Global Mail site has been down since the sun came up to the accompaniment of the Great Bunyip's chuckles. If and when access is granted, the Professor will be one of the first in there to report on the site's groundbreaking efforts.

UPDATE: Finally caught a glimpse of Attard's little earner, but only for a few seconds before the page stopped loading. First impression is that the Global Mail will adhere to its tated principles -- rather than spilling down the page all the stories move to the extreme left.

A second brief visit also ended badly. Is this part of a cunning plan to cut electricity consumption by limiting visitors' ability to enjoy views and perspectives never before seen in Australia's running dog media

There is this however: