Monday, October 10, 2011

Aunty Julia Gets Involved

AN accidentally intercepted telephone conversation:

NASAL VOICE: Hello, little boy. How are you holding up in Bali?

TEEN VOICE: The pigs have me locked up for nothing! A little dope, that’s all. And it wasn’t my fault… (shouting) Mum and Dad forced to come to this crap hole because they said I was too young to stay home alone. It’s their fault! It’s their fault!

NASAL: I know, I know… but you shouldn’t call them pigs because it is culturally insensitive. In a Muslim country pigs are not very popular, and you don’t want me to send Judge Bromberg up to make you change your tone, do you?

TEEN: So, like, this guy forced me to buy the weed. Forced me!

NASAL: I know what it’s like, young man. A bad man once forced me to buy $17,000 worth of frocks with stolen money, but like you I was young and na├»ve.

At this point the conversation was swallowed by static, but clarity soon returned.

NASAL: So, little boy, have you had any visitors?

TEEN: Just Dad, what a loser!

NASAL: And your Mummy?

TEEN: She’s too scared ’cause she knows it’s her fault for making me come here. I am so much not down with that bitch.

NASAL: I meant official visitors, like Mr Rudd. He’s probably flying to Bali right this minute, but you shouldn’t talk to him, and never, ever pose for pictures with him, OK?

TEEN: Who’s he?

NASAL: A very nasty man who will not go away. He’ll promise to get you released, but don’t listen to a word he says.

TEEN: OK

NASAL: Leave it to me, little boy. I’m working on a regional solution and will have something worked out with Indonesia, Malaysia, East Timor and maybe New Guinea before anyone has a chance to molest you, seriously molest you

TEEN: You mean like that Mr Rudd?

NASAL: No…well, he might, you never know what he might get up to.

TEEN: OK

NASAL: And when I get you out we’ll all go to the Lodge to have our pictures taken. Won’t that be lovely!

TEEN: Will there be sniffer dogs there?

NASAL: Not for you, little boy, not for you … and if that nasty Mr Rudd does turn up, I want you to give him the name and phone number of the massage girl you were with when they arrested you.

TEEN: OK

NASAL: We missed getting any pictures of him at a place called Scores in New York, so this time I could get a nice little snap for my dossier, er, album...

And then the line went dead.

6 comments:

  1. The hawk from Iopwa would be proud!

    A classic Professorial transcript.

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  2. The Balinese aren't too worried by pigs, being Hindu. Last time I was there, we got a local bloke to drive us around. He was all for tying terrorists into a pig crate and then dropping them off the side of a boat about a mile out to sea.

    He wasn't terribly clear on whether a pig would be left in the crate or not.

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  3. Beware, Bunyips's practising 'scrip' righting for Aunties new 'serious' Due Ly Yahoo shew.

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  4. Bunyip - it made me laugh all right. And you didn't miss the "massage" either. A classic.

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  5. Re Boy on a bike, one would not expect our PM to know such a detail that 95% of the population knows.
    Seriously though, the Indonesians will drag this out to get the maxium possible advantage.

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  6. Loved it, sent the link to my friends . . . captures EVERYTHING !

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