Sunday, March 18, 2012

Tumescent Thomson's Terrible Tummy Troubles

CORRODED BY CYNICISM and poisoned by suspicion, Manager of Opposition Business Christopher Pyne is muttering about denying a parliamentary pair to poor Craig Thomson, whose absence on medical grounds from the House last week was initially attributed to appendicitis. When doctors found that not to be the case and sent him home from hospital, Pyne apparently began to suspect that Thomson might be making himself scarce in order to avoid being anywhere near questions about his own and his HSU mates’ abuse of union funds. Thomson remains ill, according to his party, and would prefer to spend another week in undisturbed privacy as teams of physicians continue their battle to diagnose the brothel creeper’s mysterious ailment. Now Pyne is talking of demanding a doctor’s note before extending the pair arrangement for another week.

How sad it has come to this. How terrible that trust is now such a rare commodity in our national assembly. 

18 comments:

  1. "Government whip Joel Fitzgibbon said he would be "very surprised" if the Coalition did not grant Mr Thomson a pair." Also "If they are considering denying him a pair, they really should reflect on that." Perhaps the Government should have thought this through more carefully, due the 'Principle of Circularity': what goes around, comes around to bite you in the ass.

    Cheers

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  2. Quite seriously, Craig Thomson must be under terrible stress - despised by the other side of Parliament and knowing what a burden he is to his own side. How does he show his face around his own electorate? What do his friends, family and former union members think of him?
    It wouldn't be surprising if this stress were to manifest itself in serious illness.

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    Replies
    1. No doubt he is under stress.

      I can tell you, I too would be under a fair bit of stress if my other-half had found suspicious credit card receipts from brothels; though I suspect the stress would probably be more physical by way of my bits being extracted in a most unpleasant way.

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  3. Maaaaate, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, even a low-life spiv from The Filth like Thomson.

    JakartaJaap

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  4. Elizabeth (Lizzie) B.March 18, 2012 at 10:50 AM

    Herr Professor Doctor Bunyip, I am beginning to wonder if you are a medical man as well as a cultural custodian of specific matters semiotic in Etruria. Such prescient diagnostics, such quick thinking! How admirable you are in using the case of this insignificant absent man to further the cause of medical science and deepen the well of compassion for suffering humanity. Bunyips do have their healing side. He should be grateful.

    Additionally, your healing thoughts, added to those of Mr. Pyne, might even have the required placebo effect. He could get quickly better.

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  5. Thompson did have a doctors note, but someone posing as him stole it!

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  6. That last link is clearly libellous. You are very game to put that there, Professor.

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    Replies
    1. Poor old Hammy. Everything that offends you is libellous and should be illegal. Thankfully, anyone with a functioning intellect can tell the difference between libel and offence, which Judge Mordy, unable or unwilling to get a seat in parliament as a bona fide law maker, has attempted to illegalise anyway.

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  7. I'm going with tragic fisting accident.

    Actually, that would make a great name for a metal band.

    e-girl.

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  8. So cruel, Prof. But effing hilarious as well.

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  9. The Old and Unimproved DaveMarch 18, 2012 at 11:28 AM

    If Thomo wants to try a home remedy for this affliction of his, it's one part sand to four parts vodka. Shake well and rub on the affected area.

    The little mongrels get drunk and start throwing rocks at one another.

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  10. Methinks Thomson's complaint is one of moral cowardice rather than an 'entertainment' infection. I believe the pressure he must now be feeling is also playing up with his digestive system. Maybe he has an ulcer from all that worry?

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  11. Holy Shit Professor .... can you please pre-warn before you link to things like that.

    I didn't even know such a thing like that existed, and now I'm sure I'm exhibiting all the symptoms [and I deny entirely that it might be guilt-induced as a result of a few minor indiscretions in that 'restaurant' in Shanghai.]

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  12. I tried to get a bet on at various bookies as to how long Thomson will last, but no-one will give me time. How about the Prof runs one? Prize could be in barra.

    I'm willing to put $5 on to say that Thommo won't last beyond the end of April.

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  13. Cruel, libellous, hilarious - that's what we read the Professor for, after all.

    But you know, it is not impossible that he has hit on the real cause of tumescent Thommo's tummy troubles. Syphilis is rare, but I've known an Aussie who had it, and she was extremely lucky to consult an old doctor who still knew how to "spot" it. If I were Thommo I would ask for the relevant test.

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  14. I bet the stress from his colleagues is mainly about keeping his mouth shut and not incriminating them. otherwise, good job and pass the credit card

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  15. Hey, let's not be too hasty.

    The man may well be so ill that he needs hospitalisation. He discharged himself so soon because he doesn't want to be anywhere near the low paid hospital workers whose union dues he's been pissing away on hookers and booze.

    Not when said workers have access to his medications...

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  16. For info purposes:
    1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wassermann_test
    2. http://www.discoveriesinmedicine.com/Ra-Thy/Syphilis-Test.html#b

    Cheers

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