The Global Snail

THERE ARE moments in life, and this morning is one of them, when the Great Bunyip’s perverse sense of humour becomes infuriatingly apparent. Sixty-or-so years ago, He gifted the world with Monica Attard, who laboured in the cause of truth at the ABC until last year, when she encountered Graeme Wood at a dinner party. The internet entrepreneur and seven-figure Greens donor was so very glum about the state of Australian journalism not even the grown-locally organic endive ice cream with sustainable sweet-insect sauce could cheer him up. So they talked and found much in common. Both were dismayed by the ABC’s near-fascist jingoism, and Fairfax’s professed desire to turn a profit  confirmed it was rotten to the core, despite its writers’ daily attempts to foil those efforts. As for Rupert Murdoch, the mere mention of his name prompted such a fit of choking and gagging that a matched pair of Filipino houseboys dropped their ewers and subjected Wood to the Heimlich maneuvre. When their boss regained his breath a plan was hatched.

Wood had lots of money, Attard observed, while she had many, many friends in need of it. Why not give her as much as she needed to hire the lot of them? Then she could launch a new web site devoted to that quality journalism stuff.

All present agreed it was a grand idea, and as the evening’s guests ran the full gamut of  political opinion – from Occupy sympathisers at one extreme to sworn enemies of plastic shopping bags at the other – Wood was immediately persuaded by their instant enthusiasm. The site would be called the Global Mail, Attard would run it, and that was that -- as long as she agreed never to publish a word about online travel agents’ profit-inspired campaigns to get more people into carbon-spewing jetliners. Tapping the wisdom of her years at Media Watch, Attard assured him she knew precisely where not to go.

Ever since that night, excitement at the Billabong has been quite intense. Finally, the left was about to gain a voice.  What broad vistas of honesty and integrity would be opened by The Global Mail’s passion for speaking truth to power? As today’s launch date drew close, the Professor bubbled like a hot tub with anticipation.

And what has happened?

Nothing. The Global Mail site has been down since the sun came up to the accompaniment of the Great Bunyip's chuckles. If and when access is granted, the Professor will be one of the first in there to report on the site's groundbreaking efforts.

UPDATE: Finally caught a glimpse of Attard's little earner, but only for a few seconds before the page stopped loading. First impression is that the Global Mail will adhere to its tated principles -- rather than spilling down the page all the stories move to the extreme left.

A second brief visit also ended badly. Is this part of a cunning plan to cut electricity consumption by limiting visitors' ability to enjoy views and perspectives never before seen in Australia's running dog media

There is this however: