YOUNG MASTER BUNYIP stopped by the Billabong last night with his sweetheart, drawn by word of the tandoori roast about to go in the oven and the need to collect his sporting attire, just washed and hanging on the line. One drink led to another and then quite a few more when Q&A came on the telly, which tends to be the way with the climax of the ABC’s Monday night offerings. If Tony Jones and his standard guests are to be taken seriously, mild derangement is essential, especially when the programme is beamed from Tasmania. Between Jones’ interruptions, the young fellow said something to make a father extraordinarily proud. This talk of legalising drugs, he observed, was very dangerous and needed to be nipped in the bud.
Drugs of all sorts are freely available, he noted. They are mostly good quality and their price is reasonable. If legalised they would be taxed, their strength and quality diminished by regulation, and there would be an inevitable and patronising registration process, which would almost certainly involve compulsory attendance at government-funded and social worker-infested “educational” sessions. There are moments in the life of the successful parent when one can sit back and bask in a job well done and this was one of them. Indeed, the Professor might have hooked both thumbs beneath braces and done a little chest-out preening, except that smoking jackets require no over-the-shoulder support and both hands were occupied with bottle and glass.
The conversation progressed and Young Master Bunyip’s insights deepened. If drugs were to be legalised, that would free more policeman to operate roadside revenue cameras. And on top of that, legalisation would confound Charles Darwin. As it stands, drug dealers shoot each other in disputes over territory and profits, removing each other's influence from the gene pool. These are public service homicides and should be encouraged, much as denying protective custody for convicted child molesters and your more notorious thrill killers would save public monies and allow fellow inmates to do them in – a boost for self-esteem and positive step toward rehabilitation.
Toward the end of the evening, a Bunyip’s pride and joy put the icing on the cake. He had no need to sleep in the guestroom, despite the thicket of empty bottles that had sprouted on the coffee table. A responsible lad, he had monitored his sweetheart’s intake and knew her to be borderline legal. If a driver’s licence was in jeopardy, it would not be his.