Friday, July 5, 2013

Chip Agonistes

Young Chip Rolley is owed a vote of thanks for reminding one and all that jumping to conclusions about other people, their likely actions and motives can be the height of presumptuous folly. If the Professor were sharing life and bed with Anne Summers, as does Young Chip, the week just passed would have presented a splendid opportunity to spend a lot more time at work, where the sound of gums gnashing -- and dentures grinding in the glass by the bed as well -- would be muted by distance. It cannot be happy times in the Summers household. If Chip has any sense he will not play too noisily with the pots and pans from under the sink. Poor Anne must be so irritable now that Saint Julia has been burned at the stake, she will have the smacking stick handy and be looking for someone, anyone,  on whom to vent her frustration.

Yes, Chip would have been well advised to spend more time at the office, but a quick glance at The Drum confirms that he has been avoiding his desk. No doubt he has secured a doctor's note for presentation to Mark Scott, explaining his absence as essential to the well-being of a disturbed senior  whose tortured brow needs constant mopping.

"Some chicken soup, my Little Love Prune?"

"Get it away from me, you testicle-dangler!"

"You must eat, my Anguished Angel. You simply must!"

[the sound of smashing crockery, followed by the thud of a solid object striking human flesh]

"How many times have I told you GI Joe is banned in this house and not to be hidden under the pillow. You have a perfectly good Tet Offensive Barbie in those nice black pyjamas  Tim Mathieson ran up on his Singer. And don't you dare play with the saucepans again."

Anne's delirium is understandable. She put all that effort into a just-published book decrying Tony Abbott's assaults on Gillard, only to see it rendered comically irrelevant by the misogynists of her very own favoured party. What is the poor woman to do now? If she promotes the book, it draws ironic attention to Labor's hypocrisy. And if she persists in calling on female members of the Rudd cabinet to quit, she'll have no gal cobbers whatsoever. It was all very well and good decrying a Liberal's hateful bias, but far from a good career move when it is the bruvvers' turn to order that their shirts be ironed.

Madness can be Anne's only refuge, Young Chip the sole safe object on which to vent her fury. Yet while Young Chip absorbs another recitation of the stock speech, "Great Moments in Abortion History: D&C Means You and Me", neglect is bringing on a crisis point at The Drum. Over the last few days, stories have been appearing twice on the homepage -- stories like this one, for example. Late last night, three other articles were double-listed.

Moreover, the wonderful post-Crikey zaniness that former editor Jonathan Green brought to The Drum has gone walkabout. No more Alene Compostas, not a sign of Bob Ellis doing to a web page what recent meals have inflicted on the front of his jumper. Not a trace of the fresh and approved opinionists of the sort the ABC sees as its sacred duty to save from lives of endless shuffling in those Centrelink queues. The best the site has been able to manage of late are  Daily Life and the Conversation re-treads, Clementine Ford and Ruby Hamad.

Get back to work, Young Chip. Your patient is beyond sanity and hope. And best of all, Mark Scott will let you play with the Ultimo cafeteria's saucepans.


  1. To be sure Young Chip is serving his purgatory on earth.
    I say this as I happened across Q&A during an add break the other night and being up for a little self-flagellation I watched while Anne Summers tried to argue for something or other.
    I couldn't listen to what she was saying because I was over- whelmed by the thought "Fancy waking up next to that", and having to face her across the breakfast table.
    Gee, I'm still retching.
    You nailed it in one, Professor, "Love Prune".

  2. Elizabeth (Lizzie) B.July 5, 2013 at 3:19 PM

    Poor Chip. What a life of horror the little lad leads. I can only imagine that soon a little girl playmate will arrive to cheer him up. She can help him sort out the saucepans while they watch a cooking show together and try out a few recipes over in Cupid's Corner.

    Let's hope someone doesn't tell Mummy.

  3. The beauty of the funding model for ABC trash is that, even if no sane people read any of it, and few do, it will receive the same or more money from successive governments.

    For soviet scum it's their propaganda flagship, and for normal people elected to high office funding the ALPBC is a way to prove they aren't bigoted against immature emotionally retarded fuckwits.

  4. Professor Bunyip's fixation with Chip'n Anne is like Tim Blair's fascination with Margo Kingston, and Bob Ellis' love-hate relationship with Marilyn Shepherd.
    They all make for great reading. I always look forward to hearing about Young Chip.

  5. She must hate you.
    Anguished angel, hahahha.

  6. The image of Chip noisily playing with pots under the sink, I'm sorry to admit, has been playing havoc with my equanimity for the past 12 months. And now you've brought it up again...agghh

  7. I'm not sure I really want to know, but what do the mysterious references to saucepans mean? Is it a sexual practice or a reference to past history?

  8. If one listens to Anne Summers arguments and quietly reflects on them for a while one can't help but come to the conclusion that Botox is actually a very good thing

  9. Ah, Professor. It's so pleasing to have your sharp tongue and caustic wit lashing the so-very-deserving.

  10. "Barack Obama's recent climate change speech ..."

    What a surpriser, ABC remains unrepentantly warmenist and clutching at Obama straws. A heatwave in Las Vegas and Death Valley and global warming is back, baby. Extended unusually cold conditions elsewhere in the world and it's just local weather.

    Comment from Crossie.

  11. thefrollickingmoleJuly 7, 2013 at 2:32 PM

    Harsh, but fair.

    I cant imaging the mental gymnastics the poor harridan is performing now.

  12. I chuckled way too often while reading this. :-)

  13. Speaking of dangling things:


  14. How ironic that the alleged "government" led by Juliar Gillard, the Australian founder of "Emily's List", was itself aborted by her fellow "Emily's List" harpies.

    All those tub-thumping, purse-padding misandrists took Kevin Kardashian's cash and front-bench promotions, and without a second thought, consigned Juliar's career and "government" to the garbage can.

    I wonder whether she still maintains that a therapeutic abortion is an entirely painless process for its victim?

  15. 1. I shudder to think how Mr. Slipper would describe certain anatomical regions of the Dowager.


  16. Poor Anne

    It was going to be hard enough for her to flog 200 copies of her Emily List lesbo diatribe, even if The Lying Slapper was still esconced in the seat of power on her most generous derriere, but now that she's been banished to the wilds of Altona, poor old Anne will be lucky to flog 10 of them.