Monday, November 14, 2011

Saint Spanky

TO: Julia, Wayne, et al
FROM: Bruce Hawker
SUBJECT: Hit ’em for six!

As you know, the latest polls show our evolving strategy  is bearing fruit. We are now just 10 points behind Abbott’s mob, which is giving our people something to work with at last. Michelle Grattan, Michael Gordon, Peter Hartcher have the talking points and are banging the drum about the growing pressure on Abbott and how his own backbenchers vomit spontaneously at the mere mention of his name. Malcolm Turnbull, the guy we can beat, is onboard to resume Opposition leadership so long as Goldman Sachs gets to trade carbon permits, which won’t be a problem if Bob B. can make Rhiannon shut her yap about Jews running the world.

Pretty soon we’ll switch our media assets to Abbott’s woman problem (again) and we’re also bringing out the big guns. Anne Summers is working on a fresh Monthly investigation of Abbott’s background which will reveal (a) that he is still a Catholic and (b) a real scoop, his lifelong links to fascism.

Turns out Abbott was born in London just two miles from the former home of Oswald Moseley. Anne is just wonderful! She pioneered this line in her attack on Andrew Bolt, which noted his mum lived as a child in a Dutch town with a Nazi mayor during WWII, and nobody raised an eyebrow. Thank God for modern journalism trainers like Matthew Ricketson, who urged people to buy Quarterly Essay and read Little Bob's investigation of News Ltd. We have put Ricketson on the press inquiry (he’s very grateful), so we should now consider appointing him and Summers to whatever regulatory body we institute when the final report comes in, as requested, with a finding that News Ltd is a threat to democracy and Rupert personally abducted the Beaumont children. (Summers working on this too; seems Rupert has historic ties to Adelaide and once owned a Valiant with a very big boot. Love that gal!)

So things are looking good – and about to look a whole lot better, thanks to Peter Roebuck. Hold on to your hats because this is dynamite stuff: Abbott killed Australia’s leading cricket writer. Don’t you just love it!

Our people will push the line that Abbott hates alternate sexualities and drove Spanky over the balcony with his intolerance. ABC already understands this, and no problem selling the line to Fairfax, which will be bronzing the cricket writer’s ping pong bat and awarding it every year to the most promising young sports reporter who manages to conflate cricket with right-wing intolerance.

Summers working a related angle too – penchant for budgie smugglers apparently an indication of Abbott's suppressed homosexuality, plus the statistical likelihood he was buggared by Jesuits as a schoolboy. Posse of climate scientists standing ready to assert their computer modeling proves Abbott was penetrated on precisely 14.3 occasions; they reckon they can prove he enjoyed it too, but that would mean slipping them another $10 million in research grants. Cheaper alternative: Get Flannery to say Abbott owns a Panasonic vibrator and is very happy with it. Wink. Wink.)

To recap: Things looking good for us at last. We have always had the media, now we have the martyr and the message.

Onward and upward,


  1. This is too close to the truth to be funny. So why I am laughing so hard?

  2. I had planned to ride my bicycle to the Prahran Market for my monthly Aura reading but the front tyre was flat again. Fortunately I have a soul mate within a five minute walk who can do my tarot instead.
    I'm sure there is a link between today's punctured rubber tyre and his Cardinal's aversion having used condoms.
    Even my bicycle hates Abbott.
    Keep up the pressure Bruce.

  3. Excellent stuff. Professor, have the online producers of the ABC The Drum ever asked you to write articles for them? I hope so...I would so much love to read the comments...


    Prof, laughing or crying or crying with laughter, there must be some camel breaking moment in all this? Something, someone, somewhere has to break - pull the pin - admit to the farce. Swallow the bitter pills of reality.

    Surely no nation on earth can just run itself into the ground spending $80,000 plus [at least] on every "new" citizen? The Greens "free money everywhere" has to have some ravines of recognition - chasms over which even they won't contemplate the bridge.

    And legal aid funded with borrowed deficit building money to pay for the appeal "rights" of people who weren't born here? Million dollar payouts for people traumatized by waiting once they do get here, having waited for years elsewhere anyway.

    Troops dying, for the building of an Islamic
    Republic in a place not one Christian Church can be raised - working with an Army wondering in what directions it's soldiers weapons might next point.

    I would that the arrows of mockery meet the faux bleeding hearts of self righteous indignation. I cried with laughter at this one, but then the next headline was earnest. Australia is looking genuinely lost in confusion - does this last all the way 2012?

  5. The Hawk would be proud!

  6. .......and above all team don't forget to blame Abbott for all that is wrong in Australia.

    NBN over budget......Abbott's fault

    Boat People..........Abbott's fault

    Carbon Tax...........Abbott's fault

    Burning Pink Bats in roofs......Abbott's fault

    So there you go team, you get the picture, it is all Abbott's fault, and don't forget to keep praising Turnbull!

  7. The Prof writing for the drum?! I'd pay to see that!!!

  8. "The Prof writing for the drum?! I'd pay to see that!!! "

    You pay anyway.

  9. Regarding the much derided choice to be in London during the passage of the carbon legislation through the senate:

    A boxer will often draw an opponent closer by giving them a dose of confidence. Take a punch or two, let them feel the rush of blood, then really put them out of action with some hard contact. Especially so, if a boxer knew that knocking out his current opponent, would simply bring in a fresh opponent who may be harder to beat...