Tuesday, August 13, 2013

How to save Australian cricket

When Morpheus beckoned last night, it seemed that, just for once, the world was as it should be. Malcolm Turnbull, who grows more appealing the less he speaks of climate change, had just humiliated Anthony Albanese on Lateline, where the minister’s evident ignorance of broadband matters shone through hostess Alberici’s greater dimness in repeatedly failing to grasp that revenues mitigate expenditures. Still, she is a cute little pixie and a special favourite at the Billabong, where the hope is that Abbott PM’s reform of the ABC – and he had better bloody well reform it, preferably with a chainsaw – will not see her out of work. She would be perfect to compere an exercise show, allowing that the Coalition leaves enough cash in the ABC coffers to fund a Lycra wardrobe, and her gentle treatment of Albanese suggests a definite affinity with dumbbells.

And just to complete the world’s momentary perfection, Australia was battling steadily toward victory in the Fourth Test. No wickets had fallen and the run tally was almost at the century, with only 200 more to make and all those wickets in hand.

Alas, the morning’s harsh light demonstrated yet again that our cricket establishment needs to take immediate and drastic measures if Australians are to be immune from the ridicule of hollow-chested Englishmen. Yet another batting collapse, one more humiliation added to the ever-growing list. Oh, the shame.

Clearly, something needs to be done, and if a Bunyip figured amongst the selectors, it would be. We cannot win with the talent now available, so the object should be to find replacements from other fields of human endeavour. What follows is a replacement First XI. None has any recognised ability with bat or ball, but neither do those presently disgracing the Baggy Green.

Captain and opening bat: Emma Alberici
Bent at a fetching angle over her bat and crease, with bottom pointing pertly toward the boundary, she would be a monumental distraction to sound fielding – allowing, of course, that the English team includes at least a token couple of heterosexuals.

#2: Tim Flannery
Building upon the style that has made him such a richly remunerated member of the Climate Commission, Flanners would be able to predict his score before facing the first ball, then retire. Anyone who dared to dispute that it is possible to make a ton without actually touching willow to leather could then be howled down as a vile denier.

#3: Rob Oakeshott
At least as intelligent as Michael Clarke, he has never been cuckolded by Brendan Fevola.

#4: Bill Shorten
As he is barely taller than the stumps, little can be expected of him on the oval. But if there is discord in the team room, then a wink and a nod from the dominant faction should be enough to see him take the cue, seize the nearest sharp object and plunge it into the back of anyone obscuring his view of the main chance. When the cricket season is over and done, we can expect him to do double duty as Lord High Commissioner of Pie Warmers.

#5: Greg Hywood
The Fairfax chieftain has managed to put no runs whatsoever on the board, is fabulously overpaid and shows no embarrassment that his current team forever drops the ball. He will serve as the squad’s institutional memory, sustaining a living link with the current crew of dills and incompetents.

#6: The entire Bureau of Meteorology.
One must turn up at the ground in order to be thrashed, so with the BoM sure to persist in its predictions of bushfires, floods, lethal temperatures and deluges of hermaphroditic toads, the Poms will be too scared to emerge from their dressing room. Australia wins by default!

#7: Julia Gillard
Quite suddenly she has become impossible to see, her location signified only by the trail of old and discarded freebie ticket stubs from sporting events attended by her swain. How can you be given out LBW when the umpire cannot see you, except as a spectral and rapidly fading shadow?

#8:  Anne Summers
Not only would she reduce overheads by volunteering Young Chip as the team’s orange boy, ceaselessly shared memories of her abortion would be a boon for the environment. Rather than endure another recitation of those D&C details from long ago, all other members of the squad would be out and combing the grandstand for recyclable aluminium cans. No current Australian cricketer has done anything so remotely useful in at least five years.

#9: Judge Mordechai Bromberg
His special gift for defining race will come in very handy, should the new First XI prove inept as that which it replaces. If one can be persuaded that a red-headed, blue-eyed, grant-fed, freckle-speckled artist is an oppressed Indigene, there is no reason why Eskimos, Ubangis, and all the peoples of the earth cannot be ordained Australian by judicial decree. This should considerably expand the pool of cricketing talent available to the selectors.

#10.   Keith Miller
Yes, he is dead, but even in that condition must be at least as handy with the bat as Khawaja, and no need to debase Australia’s honour and dignity by fast-tracking his citizenship.

#11. Skippy the Bush Kangaroo
Has never been known to punch anyone in a pub, spew obscenities via Twitter or to have been romantically involved with Lara Bingle. If the new team fails to deliver, he will be a tasty addition to any post-season barbecue.



  1. Julia who? I had thought of the ideal comment to post everywhere when she would have been voted into oblivion, but have been denied the chance. Anyway...with apologies to Eric Blair.

    'We are the dead', said Wayne.
    'We are the dead', echoed Julia dutifully.
    'You are the dead!' said an iron electorate behind them.

  2. How about Julian Burnside as 3rd umpire? Any foreign delivery that should happen to bypass the Australian border-willow and dislodge a stump can therefore be deemed not a real dismissal with consequence, but simply a racist-infused social construct. Surely then "NOT OUT!" will be the only decision one could fairly and reasonably reach?

    1. Unfortunately all Burnside's instincts would be exactly the opposite. Any attempt to defend Australian stumps, no matter how clearly within the rules of the game, would be deemed a xenophobic insult to humanity and result in an immediate dismissal, even if the bowler's front foot had been placed a metre in front of the bowling crease with the aid of a $US cash funded organised crime syndicate, and the bowler had no papers to identify him as a registered member of the fielding team.

    2. ... although, of course, should any foreign delivery not ultimately make it all the way to the batsman but instead vanish from all sight halfway down the pitch, I can't imagine umpire Burnside cheerfully re-affirming any "DEAD BALL" determination... "Let us just aside this unwelcome occurrence. Stumps, gentlemen."

  3. Khawaja is an Australian citizen. You're thinking of the Pakistani guy, Fawad Ahmed, who is being fast-tracked.

    1. They all look the same at the billabong.

  4. Methinks you give Emma's arse too much credit

    1. Not fair Anonymous, aside of her political leanings Ms Alberici is as stunningly attractive as the day is long. Any sensible coach would allow her to work the fine leg area as long as she deems fit...

    2. Emma's a hottie. After the election, ABC Shops will be stocking Emma's Lingerie Calendar. Conservatives know how to put the right people in the right jobs.

    3. Too true Professor, I see my shed wall's future... so long Miss Chiki Roll of 1996, thou time is nigh. Farewell, darling.

    4. What about Penny Wong?
      Don't those men's shirts & jackets she/he wears do anything for you?

    5. As long as Emma Alberscreechy keeps her mouth shut she'll be fine.

  5. Professor, I am in awe.
    Would you think Morde would get the trophy for the "most valuable team member"?
    Yes, I reckon we should definitely vote Emma in as captain.She only has to open her gob to distract the other side; a wiggle would definitely cream them.

  6. I wish you hadn't mentioned Rob Oakeshott and sex.

  7. "She would be perfect to compere an exercise show, allowing that the Coalition leaves enough cash in the ABC coffers to fund a Lycra wardrobe, and her gentle treatment of Albanese suggests a definite affinity with dumbbells."

    Impressive wit indeed!!!

  8. I am devastated that I even have to post this but in jest, just as in vino, there is truth.

    What do you call an Aussie with a bottle of Champagne?
    A waiter.

    What do you call a world-class Australian cricketer?

    What do you call an Australian who can hold a catch?
    A fisherman.

    Why can no-one drink wine in Australia at the moment?
    They haven't got any openers .

    What is the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies?
    Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

    What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
    They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

    Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone on the Australian cricket team?
    The woman who irons their cricket whites.

    What's the height of optimism?
    An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

    What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
    A vacant lot.

    What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
    Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both

    What's the difference between Michael Clarke and a funeral director?
    A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes

    The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.
    They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!

    Somewhere there have to be people who can wield the willow. Hurrying through Ali What's His Name's citizenship was sweet f.a. use.

  9. The ABC should just issue Emma with a tape measure, she tells Rudd and Abbott to drop 'em, and we settle this once and for all.....

  10. "ceaselessly shared memories of her (Anne Summers') abortion"

    So that is why she looks like that. She may have survived but the saline in the brain and the coathanger have definitiely left their mark.

  11. Emma Alberici I find very amusing. Last night she attributed a quote to Albert Einstein that chilled me to my core.


    I relieved to find that the quote has long been exposed as an urban legend.



  12. "Skippy the Bush Kangaroo
    Has never been known to ... have been romantically involved with Lara Bingle."

    - What's that Skip?? I can't prove anything??
    - Ttt Tttt Tttt Tttt
    - The last person who tried fell down a mine shaft??
    - Tt Tt TTTttt
    - And if I know what's good for me I wont ask anymore questions?? Awwww Gee Skip.