NOTHING to do on Saturday? Why not head for the City Square and work out some of those bourgeois fixations – you know, that oppressive compulsion to roll out of bed, go to work, pay the mortgage and, much as it rankles, accept with silent forebearance that large chunks of your weekly earnings will be re-directed to the producers of Crownies, The Drum’s contributors, Jonathan Holmes’ beautician and, of course, sundry departments of Indigenous Lesbian Studies & Climate Justice at Australia’s proliferating institutes of higher learning. Don’t be shy, it’s easy, and the Occupy Melbourne crowd will take you unto its bosom without a moment’s hesitation, for such is the commitment to justice that all manifestations of public idiocy will be accorded equal respect.
The key is to look the part, so skip the morning shower and shun that comb and hairbrush. Wear your gardening clothes, and wear them with distinction if they bear evidence of recent manure-spreading. And carry a sign. You must have a sign, so begin right now by putting some thought into its sentiment.
“Saddam’s Oil, Give It Back” might work, as would anything denouncing the Zionist Entity. According to the #occupymelb tweeters, many protesters will move from City Square to a second demo against evil, chocolate-pushing Jews. Apparently Melbourne Museum is a site no less sacred than the Wailing Wall to local Hebrews, so that is where the crowd will gather to stop Palestinian babies being dipped in dairy milk, stuffed with a sweet gefilte fish filling and garnished with Arab grannies’ eyeballs.
Jew-baiting not your thing? Not to worry, many other acceptable options present themselves. “Crew Cabs Are Spew Cabs” is sure to win a warm endorsement, and you could be mistaken for Don Watson, which might also provide an instant education in the Left’s reverence for its leading snobs. So, in addition to spurning soap and grooming, spare the Sorbent after the morning’s movement. There will be plenty of eager tongues to perform that service for you.
Then again, why not break fresh ground? The animating spirit of the Occupiers is so catholic in its resentments, so broad in gathering diverse grievances, that your sign should probably be pointedly obtuse. “Patriarchy Begins With Dad” – that’s a ripper, and sure to resonate, as lefttoids from Phillip Adams to Margo Kingston all seem to have had big problems with their fathers.
“The Hegemon is Not A Rastafarian Gardener” might make an easy entre to the always popular topic of race, which would open an opportunity to note on your placard’s obverse, “McMansions No. Gunyahs Yes” or the straightforward “Protect Free Speech. Gag A Dutchman”.
And since it is an Occupier’s duty to challenge all comfy nostrums, give serious thought to the disconcerting. Remember, as the ABC demonstrates nightly, it is now polite to be vulgar, so manifest your appreciation with “ABC: All Bourgeois C___s”, which will mightily confuse any of Aunty’s representatives who assumed they would be covering a larger, outdoor version of lunchtime chatter in the broadcaster’s Southbank cafeteria. Your fellow protesters may be baffled by the attack on their favourite media source, but the obscenity will win them over quick smart.
UPDATE: On second thought, why tax your own grey matter when Occupiers in the US are such a font of inspiration. Check out Urban Infidel's picture show and make a point to play the final video. You will have to listen hard, but you should be able to make out the speaker's insistence that the right to have sex with animals is a fundamental freedom. Must be what they mean by dog whistlin'.
