Sic transit gloria, Butch

Once, long ago, he used to be someone.


Now the only place he can get a gig is the Silly Moaning Herald.

Fish follow much the same career trajectory, starting life all bright and shiny but ending up as  malodorous lumps in the cat-litter box.

Not to worry. It won't be long now until the big clean-up.

Labor cures cancer

Boy on a Bike looks at some Labor election material jammed in his slot and wonders why Tony Abbott gets no credit for saving a teacher from breast cancer. It was all Labor's doing, apparently, although it is a bit hard to tell from the dodger.

Just like Back Stab Bill,  the Lycra Lad's local Labor hopeful isn't keen on reminding voters of the party to which he belongs.

The fruit of Alene's womb

One hears rumours, whispered tales that, like Elvis, the late Alene Composta marches on, for there will always be another enemy of progress to identify, a fresh crusade to join. Sadly, there is no proof nor even hint of substance to support such talk of a corporeal presence. What we can know for sure, however, is that her spirit remains at the ramparts in the manly form of son Leo, spotted this very day at The Drum, the same site where his mum was treated with such monumental treachery.

In this hour of crisis for the left, with the polls low and sagging further, it restores the spirit to see that differences can be set aside, feuds calmed and old grudges forgotten. Climate pro and Drum deep thinker John Connor must be heartened by the support as the left comes together in a frantic, last-minute bid to save its grants, sinecures and favourite national broadcaster.

Perhaps, just like Alene, the ardent Leo will also soon bless The Drum with his more formal thoughts.

Over to you, Young Chip.

(H/T: Mavis from Mt Macedon, who spotted the Composta name while surveying what a billion dollars of public money buys these days.)

Spooky Jessica

Over drinks last night, Doctor Yowie first raised a toast to the Collins Street specialist who confirmed the Professor's robust good health, then wondered if there might not be some brain damage after all. It was mention of blonde sort-of economist Jessica Irvine (and several bottles of Tasmanian pinot noir) that prompted his sarcasm.

"What did they see in her at News Ltd!"

"You don't know her unique qualification?"

"Unqualified credulity?"

"Well, there's that, but I suspect having a dad who runs ASIO didn't hurt either"

Could this be true? If so, let us hope in the interests of the nation's security that Jessica is one piece of fruit who fell very far from David Irvine's tree

UPDATE: Nobody could claim Jessica a fit candidate for the intelligence business, so whoever hired her at News Ltd is stuck with his recruit until Col Allan pauses between mouthfuls of fairy penguin and roast infant to fire him. Jessica explains girlynomics:

5. What’s the most unusual problem you’ve ever solved with economics?
You’re talking about my weight loss articles, aren’t you? Through doing Bridges’ program last year I encountered the most magical of all statistics - more exciting that the budget balance, the jobless rate or foreign debt. It’s the figure for the calorie deficit you need to build over time to shed one kilogram of fat. The figures is about 7,500 calories - and is roughly the calorie content of one kilo of fat. Weight issues are all about the supply of calories to the body versus the demand the body has for them. Every day you need a certain amount of calories to carry out the body’s basic needs - growing eyelashes, keeping your heart beating and firing your muscles to brush your teeth.

For someone of my age height and weight it is around 1500 calories (you can find out your own ‘‘basal metabolic rate’’ from any number of online calculators including this). So every day you get to eat a certain amount of  without putting on weight (for me, 1500). If you eat more, the body stores the excess energy in fat cells. If you eat less energy than your body needs - either because you reduce your intake, increase your energy needs through exercise, or both - you lose weight. Once you build a cumulative calorie deficit of 7,500 calories, you will lose about one kilo of weight. BAM! Once you know this, you can make better decisions about what to eat and how much to exercise you need to do to keep you at the weight you’re happy with. It’s more accounting than economics, but it works.

The first cuts at the ABC

Piers Ackerman, back in fighting form after his recent surgery, has noticed some curious excisions by All Bonza Comrades in the transcript of a televised encounter between Tony Burke and Scott Morrison. Apparently $1 billion is an inadequate sum to hire competent stenographers in an election year, the incompetent majority being otherwise occupied as advance persons for the PM and Old Mother Milne. Why those particular deletions? Read what Piers has to say and decide for yourself.

Last night on 7.30 Leigh Sales several times pitched her services as a moderator to guest Tony Abbott, asserting that the national broadcaster was the perfect vehicle for a debate with Kakoda Kevin of the Kush. Abbott politely begged off, saying that quality journalists quiz him every day about this and that, and now average Australians should  get their chance to do likewise. Credit him with keeping a straight face, but he will need to go to Confession after that one, because the polite rejection was surely at odds with thoughts left diplomatically unspoken.

"What, make myself available to the broadcaster that expects its talking heads to have worked as paid liars for Labor leaders? Yeah, right, Ol' Scrotumface and Red Kerry are fair and unbiased! And Tony Jones? Give me a break. Mr and Mrs Virginia Trioli, Fran Kelly, Alberici, Jon Faine, Young Chip, Robyn Williams -- I'd rather share an Oxford Street cab with Peter Slipper."

The Australian's editorial puts it succinctly, as did Senator Abetz at greater length during a recent Estimates session..

(It would have been nice to embed the Abetz video, which has had only 65 views, but the search function Blogger makes available is unable to find it, hence the live link above.)

Cairo on the Yarra

A minor medical matter obliged a rare visit on Thursday to Melbourne’s CBD, otherwise known as Lord Mayor Robert Doyle’s sandpit and folly. Doyle (above), once state Opposition leader, formerly aspired to run all of Victoria. That he now presides over the Town Hall, still many levels above his competence, provides one of the few reasons, the very few, to rejoice that the former Labor regimes of Bracks and Brumby kept the Coalition out of power for so long. How useless is Doyle? Well, his former Spring Street colleagues deemed Ted Baillieu an improvement.

First, public parking was impossible to find, obliging the expenditure of some $60 for a little more than two hours’ stay in a multi-storey lot. That’s the way to get visitors into the CBD, Mr Mayor!

Second, the beggars. Opportuned three times for small change, The Professor began to think fondly of Mumbai, where it is entirely acceptable to give alms-seekers a good shove and a quick back-hander.

Third, there was a down-at-heel feel to what should be the bustling, vibrant centre of an otherwise wonderful megalopolis. Shops were empty, the footpaths thinly populated – so much so that the legions of ticket-writing Brown Bombers may well have represented the largest single employment category north of The Clocks.

After the medico had a good poke around, the Bunyipmobile’s escape from Doyleland was reduced to a crawl along Collins Street, now shrunk to a single lane by mega tram stops. This has happened because Doyle, like too many other Victorian Liberals, thinks public transport is morally uplifting.

Then the journey stopped altogether and stayed stopped for at least 40 minutes.

The Sons of the Prophet, all weird beards and tea cosies, had thrown down their prayer mats in Market Street to raise awareness of the Muslim Brotherhood’s plight in far off Egypt. Now it is true that Doyle cannot be blamed when the Seventh Century’s ambassadors feel the urge to tap foreheads on tram tracks, but he must be faulted for not preparing an appropriate response to spontaneous agglomerations of public nuisances.

A good mayor, a solid mayor, would long ago have invited an armed delegation of Cairo policemen to demonstrate for our local officers the best way to deal with those who impede traffic. When Muslim ratbags are shooting other Muslim ratbags they are less likely to be killing anyone else, so what’s not to like about that approach to traffic management? Instead, the Professor sat there, and sat there, and sat there some more, as did several thousand other Doyle-afflicted unfortunates, until the worshippers headed off to their Centrelink appointments.

Doyle should join them. If there is one man in Melbourne who deserves to be unemployed it is Robert Doyle.

UPDATE. From today's Australian:

Hundreds of Australian Egyptians gathered in Sydney earlier this week to protest against the killings in Egypt, and there were further, smaller protests in Melbourne and Sydney yesterday.

Australian Egyptians, some of whom declined to be named for fear of reprisals, yesterday told The Australian there were dozens of Muslim Brotherhood sympathisers in Australia, who receive political and financial support from the organisation overseas.

"They call them 'sleeping cells'. They don't tell you who they are. Once they get the message that they are requested to do something, then they become active," said one community leader, Victor Bassily.

The secretary of the Australian Egyptian Council Forum, Mr Bassily said the predominantly Christian local community should "stand as one" after recent violence in which several churches have been burned.

These attacks have allegedly been carried out by members of the Muslim Brotherhood, although the organisation publicly rejects the use of force.

Another Muslim, Australian, Egyptian community leader said there were dozens of Muslim Brotherhood sympathisers across the country, including what he also described as sleeper cells. "They are being paid by the Brotherhood within Egypt, they are being supported by them . . . They have divided the community over here. We have a lot of fights with them," said the man, who asked not to be named.

Security sources said the crisis in Egypt risked provoking tension within the local community, similar to that caused by the conflict in Syria, which has been linked to violence between Sydney's Sunni and Shia populations.

Another Australian Egyptian community leader, Mohammed Helal, yesterday said those who criticised the Muslim Brotherhood were "hateful to Muslims".

"I know a lot of people from the Muslim Brotherhood here in Australia, they are decent people, peaceful people," he said.

"There are offshoots from any community that are hateful . . . and these people are there, but the majority are peaceful."

A NSW police spokesman said "while (we) won't specifically identify individuals or groups who might be of interest to us, we do monitor . . . a range of groups".

"It must be remembered that we target criminals and not particular communities."

Their unoriginal ABC

Wednesday is giggle night at the ABC, as opposed to Monday, when serious contemplation of the nation's affairs begins with 7.30, gathers momentum through Four Corners, accelerates past Media Watch and reaches its prolonged and soggy climax in Q&A, with Lateline always there to buff the afterglow of an entire evening's lefty lovefest. That you are more likely at the week's dawn to laugh, if that word can  be stretched to include the snort and scoff,  than atop its hump, when premeditated comedy is said to be on air, is further proof of the national broadcaster's general inability to fulfill its brief. It can't be that difficult to report honestly, and assembling a few titter-worthy gags would seem to be even less of a challenge. For example:

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Fact Check

Fact Check who?

Only the Coalition, silly!

See, this joking business is fun and easy, but alas, quite beyond your average ABC humourist if Wednesday Night Fever is any indication. Amongst its other Labor-ed moments, and there were many, many of those, the show devoted a short segment to a pair of Kiwi inverts discussing their pending union. What fun! Thick accents, beanies, beer cans on the coffee table, moron grins and inbred absurdities. You can view the segment by going here and skipping through to the 15.50 mark of the video. The skit's protagonists and their set are freeze-framed below.

Now observe two other characters, Bob and Doug McKenzie, who hailed from Canada and appeared on American TV several decades ago. Notice any similarities?

Actually, there is one big difference.

Bob and Doug were put to air by a commercial network intent on amusing viewers, selling advertising time and making money. By contrast, their apishly copied Kiwi counterparts represent the ABC's primary mission, which is to spend public money without a concomitant obligation to produce a measurable return.

That must be why the McKenzie brothers are funny and the Kiwi couple anything but.