Wednesday, May 1, 2013

What would Jack Dyer say!

ALONG with the Pink Round, the Black Round and the Green Round (when football is played under lights and barrackers are expected to feel guilty about it), it can only be a matter of time before the AFL's Andrew Demetriou launches the Lavender Round, perhaps kicked off by a pair of umpires plighting their troth at the centre circle before flinging to the crowd an origami'd bouquet made from the rule book, which umpires no longer read nor understand in any case. As everyone loves a wedding, this should go down quite well in the grandstand, where spectators will consider themselves let off easy for not having had to endure 20 minutes of possum-skinned palaver from a professional Welcomer to Country.
In any case, once the AFL has found a suitable poster boy for playing the man and the Fairfax press has gushed itself dry with editorials about how wonderful it is that sodomy and Sherrins have been publicly united, the question of more appropriate uniforms will soon arise.

For some time now, players have been wearing elasticised garments beneath their shorts, their peeping lower edges strongly suggesting a shared fetish for panty girdles. Quite obviously, as this will no longer suffice, a stronger statement of sexual preference will be needed, because what would modern footy be if the simple of business of kicking goals came to be regarded as more important than Demetriou's mission to make the game a vehicle for redressing societal ills and historic injustice?

Fortunately there is an Australian company ready to meet the challenge.

 The only matter to be resolved will be if that fetching outfit (above) can be produced in the red, white and black of St Kilda, a team whose well-known interest in waxing and depilation suggests a perfect fit


  1. According to Jeff Kennett, CEOs wear out their welcome in six to seven years. But, being a politician like Kennett who strayed into football, Andrew Demetriou has a higher purpose in life, which is to use his vocation to change society beyond recognition. Hence, Demetriou is only a decade into his quest to transform the AFL and radicalise consumers of the sports-lovers' opiate to howl their appreciation like the Collingwood cheer squad at coming milestones such as the holy matrimony of two ruckwomen from the Lesbian Australian Football League at the MCG at 2pm on a rainy spring Saturday, the mascara and tears sketching the future of our role models in a civilisation where refusal to procreate becomes our great gift to Gaia and the planet.

  2. Please post something soon so this eyeball bleaching effort gets pushed further down the page.

  3. I hate how money and power, and Fat Andy's ALP pre-selection posturing is ruining the game. Steward the game, don't politicise it.

  4. AFL has rules? Who knew?

  5. The Money or the Box Dolly!
    uh oh, wrong Dyer
    but the sentiments seem relevant

  6. PhillipGeorge(c)2013May 2, 2013 at 12:01 PM

    Tom, thanks for that. In the postmodern maelstrom the most politically incorrect thing a person can devise is "Men and women are not equal".

    Ironically it was the police force who were promising to bring back the biff. While on their way to the madi gras police and footballers could lock arms and say, We promise to be assertive if you let us.

    Why not just let the other team win as a sort of concession to the equal rights meme.


    All the Aids/Hepatitis C ex-cons and Catholic Priests will be overjoyed. The people behind the change have obviously never been sent down to prison or served as an Altar boy.

  8. That is one busy, busy negligee.

  9. Elizabeth (Lizzie) B.May 3, 2013 at 8:59 PM

    Professor, I must admit that I am startled. Startled. That pink confection is rather ill-fitting, isn't it? What is that girl wearing?

    I suspect that I am not intrigued enough to find out. It is vaguely suggestive of something, and I cannot think of where I might previously have viewed such a thing as seems to there be most confusingly, and somewhat compellingly, implied. I am at a loss. As ever. Lizzie xx

    1. I think "she" has the camel's whole leg down there, not just the toe.