Sunday, March 4, 2012

The Great Seducer

CAN THERE be a man anywhere in the world who has not entertained the thought of a threesome (or moresome)? Just as women are genetically programmed for nurturing, consensus and multi-tasking, or so the feminists tell us, so men are hard-wired to sow children over the broadest fertile acreage. For some reason this natural, sustainable and entirely organic urge is not celebrated with anywhere near the same enthusiasm as the feminine compulsion to form spontaneous sandwich-making collectives at amateur sporting events, launch book clubs devoted to novels featuring impractical footwear on their covers or advance help-a-sister employment initiatives -- surely the only reason Silly editrix Amanda Wilson persists in showcasing the likes of A Dill Horin, Jessica Irvine, Betty Farrelly and Mike “Butch” Carlton, the meanest girl of all.

Sadly, attempts at the Billabong to enlighten women about their suppressed sexuality have not been terribly successful. Many times it has been pointed out by way of argument that men’s magazines feature erotic pictures of naked women and that the gals’ glossies also feature erotic pictures of naked women, but the obvious conclusion that a few girlfriends and a scented candle need to be assembled moist and waiting in the Professor’s breeding box has never inspired a more encouraging response than giggles. As for nominating specific friends for recruitment, quite often that approach has seen eruptions of slaps and elbows even before potential aptitudes can be touched upon.

Still, one lives in hope, even after this morning’s gross disappointment, when  a little birds’ chorus of muffled, girlish voices rose from somewhere deep between the sheets to prompt dreamy reveries of four smooth legs bookending the Professor’s robust ones.

And then Jonathan Green opened his mouth and spoiled everything.

As full consciousness returned, it became clear the alarm clock was tuned to Radio National, where the Drum editor moonlights as the Sunday morning compere. And for those alluring voices? They were some of Green’s guests going on about feminism’s continued relevance, a favourite topic of those whose relevance, and radio appearances, depend on being identified as feminists. One of his guests sounded a lot like Eva Cox, by no means the carnal catalyst, but that disappointment was not the morning’s only blow to optimism and morale. Far more annoying was Green’s tossed-off warning that women have reached a particularly hazardous stage of their social evolution.

“In an age of acid attacks and Rush Limbaugh, what is the future of feminism?” he wondered, referring to an imminent report on the Pakistani sport of disfiguring uppity women.

By now the Professor was fully awake and more than a little annoyed. A conservative American radio host, one most Australian listeners know only by repute, being equated with sexist terror and disfigurement! The muttering was about to become a full-blown fulmination when a flash of insight revealed Green’s true genius. Golly gosh, the man is brilliance made flesh!

Since the direct approach to prompting threesomes (and moresomes) does not seem to work very well, the smooth Mr Green was trying the empathetic tack. One might quibble about Cox’s value in such a ménage, but give him credit for trying. Like drive-by smears of those on the right, it seems the male urge cannot be denied, even at the ABC.

A NOTE: While Green mentioned Limbaugh and his guests generally agreed that Margaret Thatcher was not a feminist, not one link was made between acid attacks and misogynist Musselmen. With ABC gals, dissing multiculturalism must be quite the turn-off.    


  1. Professor,

    Only you could be gifted enough to write a compelling article that manages to put in the reader's mind the words "threesome", "erotic pictures", "Mike Carlton" and "Eva Cox". I am not sure such images will really lead to a spike in the sales of any such lads magazine that featureed such persons.


    Real Deal

  2. " it provokes yet it un-provokes". Bad luck Prof, keep trying. Eva Cox helps feminism in ways she doesn't realise. Picturing her visage whilst engaged in coitus is enough to eschew any form of close contact for some moments.

  3. Just when it was looking like I couldn't shake off the Gloomy Sunday blues, the Prof makes me laugh and smile heartily.

    Thanks again Prof! Brilliant.

    (Once shared a bus-seat with Eva Cox along Parra Rd past Sydney Yooni, as she cast her coolly dissecting - but surely nurturing!!! - gaze out the window).

  4. Professor, you needn't let your anger get in the way of your somnolent reveries - it's theatre of the mind. Let your imagination do the work!

    Anyway where would these people be able to strut their stuff if not the ABC and particularly Radio National.

    Nevertheless! I was heartened to hear Robin Williams on Ockham's Razor and The Science Show recently playing pieces regarding the safety of both nuclear power and coal seam gas mining. He's still a great shit-stirrer you know.

  5. Ah! The AB stinking C! Where, my good Prof, would we be without this taxpayer funded cesspit! A law unto their elitist selves! Untouchables! Liars! Propagators of bile whilst sucking at the public teat!

  6. It happens in Australia too Professor,

    "The 27-year-old woman who allegedly set fire to a Rivervale woman has been remanded in custody."

    1. Was she unhappy with the bride price?

  7. leftist are moral cowards blind to their own follies - aplenty in fairfax and abc. so long as they bang on we'll have us some fun

  8. "not one link was made between acid attacks and misogynist Musselmen"

    Of course not. The deluded lefties here, and in the US and western Europe, think that they can find some common cause with the western hating Moslems. That feminists and lefty homosexuals think they can "make nice" with these people is beyond belief, they will be the first to the gallows.

    We saw it happen in Iran; the lefties allied themselves with the Ayatollahs and forced the Shah out, and they were then marginalised and persecuted if they weren't sufficiently Moslem.

    Same deal as Egypt at the moment. The suburban educated leftie "elite" supported the Moslem Brotherhood and Salafist putsch to get rid of Mubarak and create their Egyptian "spring", they will end up with dark age fundamentalist Islam.

    The lefties here will end up draped head to toe in dark cloured sacks, banging their empty heads on the floor to praise their demon god. As the great prophet Bob Dylan said:

    But you’re gonna have to serve somebody, yes indeed
    You’re gonna have to serve somebody
    Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord
    But you’re gonna have to serve somebody

  9. Still lovin' the "Butch" tag for that pretender Carlton!

  10. Elizabeth (Lizzie) B.March 4, 2012 at 4:08 PM

    Prof, I was listening on the car radio to that old song "Girls just want to have fun". Well, we do too, I concurred, feeling bouncy, but mingy old Ma Nature, ably assisted by Papa Culture, gave us a solid sense of caution about throwing it all to the winds, as it were. Way it is, Prof.

    Even so, we're paradoxically attracted to the idea of being a 'carnal catalyst' - O hot stuff! We do like to show it off. Also just the way it is.

    So in the words of the even older song: "A man chases a girl, until she catches him". Then she's not much into sharing, as a rule. But we fondly let our men dream on a bit.

    Sorry, Eva. Speaking out of turn, not a word about the shackles of male oppression in the West (while conveniently ignoring Muslim female bondage), too much truthism. No ABC invites for me.

  11. I lived for 13 years in the US (mostly San Diego and Lost Wages - 87 to 99) and watched, or rather listened to, the Limbaugh phenomenon. I believe he coined the phrase "feminazi" which obviously irks the, what else, feminazis and was the scourge of the PC left wing nanny staters most effectively because he was funny and there's nothing worse for lefties than the sound of laughter directed at them!

    One of the regular highlights was the parody songs of Paul Shanklin

    2GB is doing similar stuff now but these are sensational. I still have a CD of them (Limbaugh’s program, of course, touted them for Shanklin’s studio – gotta love that free enterprise). One of my favourites lampoons Teddy Kennedy (RIP) with a parody of Dion’s “The Wanderer” called “The Philanderer”.

  12. Mike Carlton - the meanest gal of them all.

    Priceless! Prof, you are a master wordsmith - I bow to your genius.

  13. Thank you - great article

  14. Prof there are certain circles in Melbourne in which the threesome and other fun may be had. All enjoyed by willing participants. The downside is they are difficult to locate and entry as a couple is far easier than as a single man. Much time must also be spent meeting people over a drink to decide whether you both click. However when you meet the right people it's fun all round.

    Or you could just go to a swingers party.