Monday, February 6, 2012

The Global Snail

THERE ARE moments in life, and this morning is one of them, when the Great Bunyip’s perverse sense of humour becomes infuriatingly apparent. Sixty-or-so years ago, He gifted the world with Monica Attard, who laboured in the cause of truth at the ABC until last year, when she encountered Graeme Wood at a dinner party. The internet entrepreneur and seven-figure Greens donor was so very glum about the state of Australian journalism not even the grown-locally organic endive ice cream with sustainable sweet-insect sauce could cheer him up. So they talked and found much in common. Both were dismayed by the ABC’s near-fascist jingoism, and Fairfax’s professed desire to turn a profit  confirmed it was rotten to the core, despite its writers’ daily attempts to foil those efforts. As for Rupert Murdoch, the mere mention of his name prompted such a fit of choking and gagging that a matched pair of Filipino houseboys dropped their ewers and subjected Wood to the Heimlich maneuvre. When their boss regained his breath a plan was hatched.

Wood had lots of money, Attard observed, while she had many, many friends in need of it. Why not give her as much as she needed to hire the lot of them? Then she could launch a new web site devoted to that quality journalism stuff.

All present agreed it was a grand idea, and as the evening’s guests ran the full gamut of  political opinion – from Occupy sympathisers at one extreme to sworn enemies of plastic shopping bags at the other – Wood was immediately persuaded by their instant enthusiasm. The site would be called the Global Mail, Attard would run it, and that was that -- as long as she agreed never to publish a word about online travel agents’ profit-inspired campaigns to get more people into carbon-spewing jetliners. Tapping the wisdom of her years at Media Watch, Attard assured him she knew precisely where not to go.

Ever since that night, excitement at the Billabong has been quite intense. Finally, the left was about to gain a voice.  What broad vistas of honesty and integrity would be opened by The Global Mail’s passion for speaking truth to power? As today’s launch date drew close, the Professor bubbled like a hot tub with anticipation.

And what has happened?

Nothing. The Global Mail site has been down since the sun came up to the accompaniment of the Great Bunyip's chuckles. If and when access is granted, the Professor will be one of the first in there to report on the site's groundbreaking efforts.

UPDATE: Finally caught a glimpse of Attard's little earner, but only for a few seconds before the page stopped loading. First impression is that the Global Mail will adhere to its tated principles -- rather than spilling down the page all the stories move to the extreme left.

A second brief visit also ended badly. Is this part of a cunning plan to cut electricity consumption by limiting visitors' ability to enjoy views and perspectives never before seen in Australia's running dog media

There is this however:


  1. Seems to be up. Although the website appears not to be optimised for wireless users...

  2. I will read it later ,if I don't get too bilious. Reading it. My old mate George the Plumber is right when he asked "why are Labor party women always UGLY?"

  3. Elizabeth (Lizzie) B.February 6, 2012 at 11:47 AM

    Prof, I too am hopping around with excitement, and everywhere I go this morning, in the streets and in coffee shops, I see people in the same state of breathless anticipation at the arrival of this pure newcomer to the tainted media scene. Wotif all these fascinated ideologically-undernourished people were suddenly inspired to try and get onto The Global Mail at the same time? The site would meet an untimely end.

    It's coming anyway. Gypsy Lizzie (or is that Madame Elizabeth?) has a little crystal ball. In less than a year, The Global Mail will do a mini Al Gore: it will splash at first and then crash via its own incompetence ... and burn. It's remnants will be visited only by the faithful on pilgrimage.

    1. Hee Hee Gypsy Lizzie....your prescience is astounding.

      I have to agree with you, does anyone remember the illfated Republican that was meant to replace the National times?

      The luvvies went through the donated money so fast it folded very quickly.

      We will watch the Mail with interest.

  4. Well I checked out The Goebbels Mail at crack of dawn before the Lefties all awoke.

    You need decent speed to see the never ending scrolling pictures of their pinups like Malcolm Turnbull lamenting why he's not Leader. So poetic. ALP short on Leaders. Malcolm looking to fill that slot. The motto of the Goebbels is: “our audience is our only agenda” Interesting. Surely that should read: "Our progressive Left views are our only agenda" but I could be wrong...

  5. If this is article is indicative of what this outlet will produce

    They have gained a reader.

    Facts, intelligent analysis, journalists opinions indicated when stated, thoughtful points brought up to be debated...

    Good reporting. Bravo.

    Only issue is on my desktop I like to scroll down through articles, but the UI works exceptionally well on a tablet.

    1. “Australians have known a Prime Minister to lose their trousers in Memphis”.
      “She can almost feel the target that reversal pinned to her back”.
      “What's missing here? There is a narrative, there is an argument, there is an aim. Yet, though real examples abound of enterprises that have made the adaptation she intends, there are no people to bring to life what the Prime Minister sees as the way forward.”
      “Parliament returns on Feb. 7, and with it intense speculation about Julia Gillard's ability to stare down a challenge to her leadership from the man she deposed, Kevin Rudd.”
      “Her brow furrowed, her hands slightly clenched and her eyes lowered; it seemed a script, invisible to others, was in her hands.”

      No, it’s not good reporting; it’s ill-written, pretentious, poorly conceived sludge.

    2. It must be a chick thing. Lagan writes like a girl. Impenetrable, stylised stream-of-consciousness dribble with no beginning and no end.

    3. So MDH, you don't mind that column edge scroll off the side of the page thing?

    4. Despise it on my desktop (just like I despise Unity/Gnome3 Desktop and Windows 8) but love it on a touchpad.

    5. Deadman, not commenting on the content so much as the craft.

      It'll provide a better balance to my copy of The Australian than my copy of The Age does.

  6. PhillipGeorge(c)2012February 6, 2012 at 12:03 PM

    Prof, It was very slow loading but they at least have a cover story about Egyptian Moderate Islam versus Hardliners. They could not have started inside of a greater intellectual vacuum in other words. These inspired and insightful secularists are going to barrack for their idea of the Moderate standard bearers. Ie. it is a contest of Moderates, the Tolerant, Main-streamers Versus Fundamentalists, Extremists, Jihadists.

    So what is wrong with that picture? The crocodile that promises to eat you only one limb at a time is much preferred to the extreme version that takes you straight into the death roll.

    Prof. Charles Darwin remains possibly the most influential character in your modern Western waking world. All the Monica Attards put together can't fathom him as anything other than a rational quintessential scientific pioneer about to spawn the breaking of the genetic code and a generation of rocket scientists putting Velcro mesh boot prints on the lunar surface.

    In other words Prof everyone mentioning God is really just inexplicable to them. They have no concept of a Joseph Smith, Buddha, Mohammed, Sun Myung Moon or David Koresh being essentially "Right" or "Wrong".

    All the words, all the commentary, all the scenarios, insights, cultural context, financial repercussions - not worth a tin of beans. There "rationalism" is based on a belief that inorganic materials can randomly combine to make reproducible cellular life possible. And "fundamentalists" like that cannot be reasoned with.

    There has to be a "Right" and "Wrong" to start a dialogue - otherwise gibberish, noise, incessant circular reasoning will be all there is. ie. the Global Mail.

    1. Yes, Phillip. I comprehend and concur. There is a book I have, written by Graham Hancock called 'Supernatural'. It should be compulsory reading for every low-brow 'Atheist' moderate humanist Leftoid relativist. A middling IQ of 100 should be all that is required to grasp it, as it is writ simply and plainly, so there are no excuses. Forget about the likes of Dawkins and Attenborough, they are paid dis-info agents in the employ of Big Satan.

      I was about to rebuke you over clumping Buddha in with the others mentioned, but no, you are right. He was an enlightened cat for his time and place, but is obsolete through the coming of the Lord, and only serves, albeit nobly, as a distraction. Zoroaster likewise.

  7. Tim Blair has a link up to it also. I read the article about the soaring electricity prices, and how it is essentially our fault because we are electricity junkies, and the poor unfortunate faceless profiteering 'energy providers' have to keep upgrading infa-struck-cha and we should just re-learn how to swelter through heatwaves and so forth. I don't think I like the Global Mail. I know I don't like Green propaganda and brainwashing.

  8. Replies
    1. Probably using the same treadmill-trained hamsters to run it.

      I wonder if they also used "poor Margo's" business plan?

  9. Tried reading global mail.

    At first I thought it might be trying for a less funny Onion style thing, sort of like a comedy version of the unfunny ALP stalwarts the Chasers, but no. It is apparently a serious website- that doesn't load properly in anything I try and view it on. In 2012.


    I've since tried to enjoy it on any possible level- ironic comment on journalism, cautionary tale- but nothing works.

    global mail is dead on arrival, and since it is bleeding out socialist elitist money, long may it stain the internet.