Sunday, August 21, 2011

Try These, Thommo

POOR Craig Thomson. All the easy excuses have been tried and found wanting, so what does the Member for Dobell do now? Here are a few suggestions that have worked, or almost worked, for others:

Everyone lies about sex.
This line helped keep Bill Clinton in office and is guaranteed to earn him the support of Anne Summers, Eva Cox and other members of the Carping Crones Collective. Summers, who once admitted being moved to tears of joy by the sound of Bill Clinton’s voice, might even re-work her book, Damned Whores And God’s Police.

New title: Rammed Whores and Craig’s Codpiece.

Emotional pressure.
Driven to distraction by visions of climate change’s impact on hospital orderlies, poor Craig sought comfort with a wholesaler of horizontalism. The remedy brought relief, but the symptoms worsened when the MP’s girlfriend reported herself pregnant, obliging Thomson to step up his self-medication until prescriptive costs were running at @2475 a night.

If Tony Abbott was not bent on demonizing victims of mental illness, adequate sums would be available to treat such blameless victims. Peter Hartcher, Shaun Carney, Michelle Grattan and many other pundits will find this argument compelling and repeat it with much conviction.

Blatant discrimination I.
Thomson will admit to signing knock shop credit card slips, but explain that he suffers from freshly diagnosed schizophrenia and blame Bad Craig. Mike Carlton will find this honesty refreshing and ridicule Abbott for wishing to starve mental health services of funds while simultaneously villifying a fine example of efficiency in government. Why, he will wonder, should Dobell’s voters be denied the benefits of two representatives for the price of one?

Blatant discrimination II
It will emerge that Thomson is of formerly unrecognized Indigenous descent. This will do nothing to explain his actions, but it will stop Andrew Bolt writing anything more about the case. 

An honest mistake 
Driving through Sydney’s CBD late one night, Thomson spied a nurse in obvious distress, apparently lost and wearing a uniform three sizes too small. Concerned for the welfare of a HSU member, he followed her to an alternative medicine centre, where she complained that her employer’s inadequate work-clothes allowance obliged her to initiate many sessions of tantric therapy in the all-together. Disgusted at the boss’ greed, Thomson whipped out the plastic and bought $2475 worth of new uniforms for all the establishment's workers.

There may be other stratagems to get the Member for Dobell’s career off the rocks (as opposed to getting his rocks off), but this little list will do for the moment. Further suggestions will be welcomed in comments.

UPDATE: They're putting the Thomson matter in perspective at Menzies House:


  1. Mr Bunyip Sir, I do believe I detect a hint of sarcasm.

    Craig is simply a team player. He has been doing, in his own small way, what the Gillard Govt is doing to the country.

  2. Abducting a certain hapless Member, and his earthly accoutrements, perhaps aliens, in a pre-emptive strike, sought to experience specific earthly hospitalities.

    NASA, in all probability, has modelled this scenario of sublunar close encounters. (cf Would Contact with Extraterrestrials Benefit or Harm Humanity? A Scenario Analysis).

  3. Any chance Thompson is not the one who hired the hookers and is covering for the person who did? Someone more important to the Labor cause? Swan? Rudd? Gillard?!?!?!?

  4. Martians. They come in peace to probe our body cavities and nominated Thompson as their proxy.

  5. Slipped over in the shower... oh wait, that's something else.

  6. Thought he was entering the ABC for a press briefing. Didn't realize it was a whorehouse until long after he left because both places give the same warm greeting to ALP and Greens.

  7. Thompson found Gillard standing on a chair and screaming "It's him, the doormouse." He thought she said, "Find Tim in a whorehouse" so he went looking.

  8. Bloody non-conformist. This mob is supposed to be so hopeless that even with a fistful of fifties they couldn't get pleasured in a bordello.

  9. Ha ha. Or he thought it was just an ordinary local branch meeting in Dobell he was attending and believed he was signing the credit card to pay for the tea and bikkies.

  10. He went to donate sperm for Penny Wong's baby, mistook the address and took the attentive attitude of the staff as proof Gillard was on the right track with her health reforms.

    Simple mistake. Could happen to anyone.

  11. Its not his fault. It was John Howard who took his credit card - all the rest of the rubbish is just facts produced by the Murdoch Press which can't be trusted. Global Warming is happening now!! Where's my bong?

  12. I'm putting my vote in for "Rammed Whores and Craig’s Codpiece" as the best line written on a blog this year!