THERE IS a bit of thick-headedness at the Billabong this morning, a consequence of an evening that began with several Boag's lagers, moved to some whites and then a bottle of red, plunged into the champagne and tailed off in the wee hours with a little port -- well, more than a little, actually -- before drawing to an end, according to the evidence of the morning on the bedside table, with, of all things, a vodka and orange. The last item is something of a mystery, as it has not been a favoured tipple since the Fourth Form break-up party, and that was back when John Gorton occupied the Lodge. The emptiness of the adjoining pillow is another riddle. Memories are foggy, but it is a near certainty that a special someone occupied that spot when the lights went out. Very shortly it will be time to place a diplomatic phone call, one that will need to begin with a carefully weighted choice of words and the option thereafter of veering into the realm of apology.
Not to worry. If there are to be recriminatory words about the Professor's behaviour -- and the remains of a barbecued lamb leg used as an ashtray, also on the bedside table, suggest there will be -- then praise be to the Great Bunyip for shaping from the clippings of social workers' manuals, dried-out chardonnay corks and designer coffee grounds the wonder that is A Dill Horin. It is true that the Silly's joyless scold seldom adds to the sum of human knowledge, but this morning's column is the exception. If there was bestial behaviour last night and if some judicious grovelling will be required, the latter can now be qualified by quoting from A Dill's praise for the Nanny State and its regulations.
Intoxicated? Obstreperous? Back on the fags? Thank God for Adele, who proves that all those grave flaws of character are the fault of naysayers who would stay the state's hand from crafting fresh rules to regulate the individual's folly. As Adele explains it
Yes, we have reason to be thankful that governments sometimes legislate in ways that infringe on our liberties. Personal responsibility is too flimsy a bulwark against the forces of irresponsible, laissez-faire capitalism.
So very true! If only legislation had been on the books to foil the mixing of drinks and gnawing of lamb bones in bed, the Professor's head would not be throbbing, nor would this post have been interrupted twice by the demands of a fractious bowel. In this instance A Dill is putting the case for controls on punters' right to lose their money on poker machines, but her wisdom is clearly universal. After the pokies, let our governments and bureaucrats save us from fatty foods and riding bicycles in unapproved attire. Hang on, they have already attended to the latter, so Adele and her morally superior friends will be free to focus on their next campaign of legislated betterment.
Compulsory jogging, anyone? Wait a bit and Adele and her pals will tick that box as well, no doubt about it.
Now for that ticklish phone call.
Well the nanny state has walked onto my freehold property and has unilaterally claimed proprietary rights,without any compensation, in a big tree that I planted 37 years ago in my back yard. Anything that needs to be done to that tree, from simple pruning to felling, is subject to a work permit from the Council totally at its discretion and direction with all costs associated for said permit and for all associated work under council direction, is compeletely at my expense. Liability for any problems with said tree remains with me and my general public liability insurance. And why??? The green policy of the council; some claim it is for the council to claim carbon sequestration credits for itself.ReplyDelete
Vodka + fresh-squeezed orange juice = good dietary source of Vitamin C.ReplyDelete
Vodka + Milk of Magnesia = Philips Screwdriver.
Prof, you could have stayed drunk. A pissed Bunyip is an order of magnitude smarter than a sober Tingle and A Dill. They deserve Fairfax and vice versaReplyDelete
Precomittment cards for drinking are obviously a good idea for an enjoyable night on the tiles. Should the holder of said card attempt to purchase a self-proscribed drink, eg vodka and orange, bouncers will be summoned and the drinker ejected from the premises before damage can be done. The tiles can still be well and truly hit, but you agree to be stopped before things get too silly, and you won't be offended by some slip of a barmaid accusing you of being drunk because it you set the determining criteria.ReplyDelete
Professor, I feel you are mis-sreading your own circumstances. This was not some cheap pretender Amy Winehouse near death experience piss-up. No, you are the tortured soul of an inspirational artist in search of cathartic self realization and a universal oneness experience. No porcelain buses on that tram route.ReplyDelete
To wit, I've thought, how about arranging a deal with the museum of fine art to put your liver on display. With some careful resecting by a sensitive surgeon we could get it to spell out some literary piece de resistance.
No blogger has spilled his guts like you have Professor. For those about to blog, we salute you. The Bonn Scott of bloggery - has a nice ring to it.
PS. go easy on it or have an LFT done. We'd miss you.
Good luck with that phone call - hope it went well. As for Adele Horin, she's a closet totalitarian who is best ignored (save to shout her idiocy from the rooftops for what it is).ReplyDelete
I must agree with the above. Vodka and fresh OJ makes a lovely hair of the dog.ReplyDelete
Would it be too trite to say"Serves you right?"ReplyDelete
OK then,I won't
Tut Tut!! You aren't going down the road. Ivan the Terrible trod?? Vodka already ! Watch out for the Vodka and Mercury mix, that's what nailed the old Ivan.Trust me I know!ReplyDelete
Next time, and there WILL be a next time, try taking 20mg of Omeprazole a few hours before the celebrations start. Been taking it for about fifteen years, and the only time I get a hangover is when I don't take it.ReplyDelete
And that's been in some pretty desperate sessions with shearers and road workers when we've been flooded in.
*Caution: It doesn't work for everyone, but it's worth a try.
Poor professor. Sounds like a great party. Like the time I found my dearly beloved flaked out on the lounge floor dangling his hand in a Brandy Alexander. Which made a perfect hair of the dog when he woke.ReplyDelete
Hope you're still reading this thread but on a serious note, the fatalities due to motor vehicle accidents went up when the Northern Territory introduced speed limits. Good ol' nanny state kills people!ReplyDelete