Saturday, October 27, 2012

All You Can See Are the Raoul Mertons

IT SHOULD BE obvious to anyone whose vision has not been occluded but the eager act of placing one's head up our PM's alimentary canal that the grotesqueries Canberra has witnessed since the 2010 election have done no good, least of all for the country. Policy shaped and held captive by the Greens, the self-righteous droning of that long, thin streak of thick from Port Macquarie, the obligation for decent Labor MPs (there must be one or two) to defend Tommo the Tumescent from the treacherous high ground of the Member for Dobell's used and mounded condoms -- all those and many more bizarre goings-on inside and beyond our national Parliament are the direct consequences of Julia Homewrecker's knife-edge margin.

A bit of stability would have been in the nation's best interests, an honest and reasonable person might think, which is why Phillip Coorey is a quality journalist and you are not. In the Silly today, the man who wears KY Jelly like a crown breathlessly reports Bronwyn Bishop's "revelation" that Tony Abbott would have called another election if Oakeshott had the wits, and Windsor the decency, to side with the Coalition.

Oxygen deprivation can lead to giddiness, as is well known, and with Coorey's mouth and nose now somewhere to the north of Gillard's lower intestine we can safely assume he is struggling for breath. The methane rising from those missing S&G files, which the Lodge Lady must surely have eaten, cannot be aiding clarity either.  "Bishop's revelation exposes Abbott's intention to call election"is the headline, and that is proof positive the Silly's quality journalists and its piecework subeditors in Bangalore do not read anything but McStomachTernan's talking points, not even what they publish on their employer's precious newsprint, now worth better than six times as much per Saturday edition than an FXJ share.

If all those who no longer read Fairfax newspapers were to shout long and loudly a line from the Pile Inspector's own text there is a possibility he might hear the clamour through those clammy pink earmuffs and be set straight.

For what it's worth, here is the line that needs to be shouted up at its author. A gentle tap on the soles of Coorey's shoes might help to get his attention before we all begin:
Ms Bishop added that Mr Abbott would not have gone ''straightaway''.
Yes, it is possible Coorey could hear that message, but unlikely. There is a lot of rustling and noisy shoving going on as Michael Gordon and Lenore Taylor jostle like Italians at a taxi rank for the right to be next through the sphincter.


  1. The Old and Unimproved DaveOctober 27, 2012 at 11:28 AM

    The Member for Dobell can thank the manufacturers of his preferred brand of prophylactics for the absence of any unfortunate conversations recorded by hidden microphones.

    Clearly, they have achieved their mission of stopping the bugs from getting through.

  2. Some of us would recall the old Graham Kennedy/Bert Newton schtik on In Melbourne Tonight when they rhymed "Of hurtin' you're certain when you wear Raoul Merton". Sales of the shoes went through the roof!

  3. Ha,ha,Dave!
    Somewhere in the deep dark recesses of my mind I keep thinking someone somewhere knows a lot and is waiting for the right time to employ their ghost writer and tell all about Craig and ....(insert your guess. I've got my own, for a colleague he shouted) --or maybe there is more union money missing or misused that has been paying more than Craig Thomson's bills all along aka a hush just musing....

  4. "Michael Gordon and Lenore Taylor jostle like Italians at a taxi rank"
    Your scatological metaphors are on a par with your anachronistic bigotry.

    1. Have you ever tried to get a cab outside Rome's big station? Everyone lines up patiently behind barriers and shuffles to the front of the queue. When they get about 3 metres from the kerb, they all pile onto the roadway en masse and launch themselves into a maelstrom of chaotic woggery, all shouting and pushing and grabbing door handles and talking with their hands. It's like a food hand-out in Somalia.

      If that's a stereotype, Italians have only themselves to blame.

    2. I once went through immigration at Toronto (Lester B. Pearson) at the same time as an Alitalia flight. All the skills were on display: hopping form one queue to the other, talking to some complete stranger for an instant to establish some veneer of legitimacy; slowly shuffling past you as the queue progressed. I was in awe of the latter technique - as if you wouldn't notice that somebody was overtaking you. Even when fixed with a steely gaze that would have induced shame in lesser mortals, they carried on regardless.

      Numbers clearly needs to travel more.

    3. You are a sad person numbers - still stuck in the 60's and another place. I have to agree with the Bunyip in his descriptdion of Italians at a taxi rank. Been there, done that in dirty, untidy and very unromantic Roma and with several Italians no less. Sort of a mix between a G20 riot and a Wallaby/All Black scrum. Get out and get a life in the 21st Century numbers - you'll be surprised at what is there.

    4. "Scatolocal" numbers? That's all just in your head.

      And you an ex schoolie. And private.

    5. Don't worry Bunyip...young Australian people with Italian backgrounds would be embarrassed by such behaviour.

    6. Elizabeth (Lizzie) B.October 28, 2012 at 9:41 AM

      And just to say something nice about Italians. In Athens I was told all Alitalia flights to northern Italy were 'off'. I urgently needed to get to Milan. Everyone Italian was shrieking around and about (plus the Greeks can be pretty noisily agitated too). A Roman god in a captain's cap and epaulettes appeared, produced instant calm, reorganised flights, smoothed ruffled feathers, designated some to hotels and put me on the first flight out after the two-hour crisis.
      What a dreamboat.

    7. LOL at Bunyip's and the Toronto airport responses. Oh Numbers!

  5. Professor, I think you are over-generous to classify any of the current crop of labor MPs as "decent". The introduction of the carbon tax represented a total trashing of the democratic process, and not a single one of these sorry excuses for human beings voted against it. Not one even abstained, or got himself or herself taken ill to avoid the irrevocable step (for a Labor MP) of crossing the floor.

    1. PhillipGeorge(c)2012October 27, 2012 at 6:35 PM

      hear hear!

      This Labor are ambulance chasing lawyers, opportunists and outright frauds liars and thieves, protected in a conspiracy of silence.

      Shame on every one of them. The drowned at sea and the dead insulators are all but forgotten.

      So its come to this, this stinking wretched parliament.

    2. To say nothing of the 70 who voted to keep that filthy misogynist in the Speaker's chair - to a man and woman Labor voted for the filth, none has any redeeming features at all, not one.

  6. We should have "Peoples Trbunals"into trade union and politicians Corruption.A Tribunal into each of the unions ,also a Tribunal into each political party.These Tribunals shoul have the power to fine and jail corrupt officials. Absolutely NO lawyers for the miscreants.the Tribunal members should be chosen from Honest Working People,No academics,public servants,party members,tax dodgers or dole bludgers allowed
    Recall of disobedient,self serving or corrupt incompetent.politicians or public servants should be made LAW,dismissal by Referenda! Theres a Start!

  7. "McStomach Ternan's"...classic

  8. 15yo VPS on 7quid a week and R Mertons were a fiver.
    16yo VPS on 7quid a week and R Mertons were 6 quid.
    18yo VPS on 8quid a week and R Mertons were 9 quid.
    Julius Marlow won the day at 6 quid.
    Two pair of as new JMs in the cupboard for 50 yrs.
    Still fit but the Blundstones more fitting.

  9. The Chaser boys also like sniffing out sphincters. When they're not sniffing the ABC's arsehole they're doing it to each other.

    Did you see their last episode on the Hamster wheel??What the hell was that about?? Do the ABC even check their own product??Remember when broadcating had a when you exposed yourself or were vulgar, you got fired??Well not anymore it seems.

    It's like Lord Of The Flies over there.

  10. The Chaser "boys" have passed their use by date.

    Like mature age students loitering around the Student Union bar with the forlorn hope of getting a root, these middle-aged "boys" just won't go away.

  11. Prof, thanks for the reminder of Uncle Doug rumbling: ''Of comfort you're certain . . .''

  12. Re "the self-righteous droning of that long, thin streak of thick from Port Macquarie"

    Be kind to Sue Butler, she is trying to deal with constant revisions for the Labor Party, and they are coming fast and furious.

    from Andrew Bolt's Blog today

    "Alan of Sydney replied to PaulM
    Sun 28 Oct 12 (11:56am)
    Looks like another job for The MacQuarie Dictionary

    Zero tax earned from mining tax now really means receipts from mining tax whatever the Treasurer says.


    (Poor Sue Butler at Macquarie - she’s gonna be one busy lady rewriting the dictionary to suit Labor!) I wonder if she regrets helping her ALP out like that - considering the merciless mocking she’s deservedly copped?"

    But Sue Butler has a really stupendous Marketing Strategy.

    Her aim, is to take Macquarie Dictionary to the Toilet Paper Section in every Supermarket Aisle across Australia, with a specially designed hook, so that Macquarie Dictionary can hang from every Toilet Roll Holder in Australia

    Sue Butler - smart woman

  13. What a trifecta for a beautiful day as the Spring racing carnival gets under way.

    I couldn't pick em but I reckon the accurate one would have called:

    KY Jelly like a crown
    Tommo the Tumescent

    If laughter is the best medicine, I'm cured.


  14. PS

    Chaotic woggery ran a close fourth.

    Numbers you really need help.